I'm supposed to take care of all these kids by myself?!?!

Heeellloooo 2018!! It's been over a year since I've shared all of my wisdom and extremely important information 😏. Today, as I was helping a new mother adjust to the idea of adding more chaos to her household of one toddler, I showed her the schedules that I use to keep my circus in line or at least the blueprint that I refer back to when things get out of control.

When I brought home number 2, my oldest was 21 months. The initial few days were great with all the visitors and help with entertaining and holding whichever kid I needed help with at the time. Then, several days later, as my husband went out to cut the grass, and my in-laws made their ways to their cars to go home, immense panic set in and I started to cry realizing that I was now in charge of taking care of not one but TWO children. Pretty sure I ran out to the street begging my in-laws to stay a little bit longer until Nick finished mowing.

Cut to, attempting to make dinner, baby crying in the swing, my toddler crying because she can't get something figured out with a toy she's playing with, the dog is starting to puke because I haven't fed him water or let him out in 12 hours and dinner boiling over on the stove and me yelling while ripping my hair out "HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO DO THIS?!" This was 3 years ago and the experience is still burned into my brain. All I heard was, "you'll figure it out" "Just take it step by step" "It'll be fine" "You'll look back and laugh". All of this advice was true but not helpful to my brain that needed specific direction on how to do it "right". There is no way to do it right, but I feel like I've gotten pretty damn close to making something tangible to making it right. I like order and I like organization and lord knows that it doesn't go the exact way I want it to go but I at least have a reference point to always go back to. Below is a schedule that I have created and have adapted during each kids shift in naps to make sure that I don't lose my mind on a daily basis and know when I can get things done because I know what the kids will be doing. I have 3 children (almost 5, just turned 3, and 15 months) and this is what we shoot for on a daily basis. The blue shade is sleeping times.

If I'm able to keep everyone on track, I know that from 10:30am-12:20pm, the two older girls are lost in play enough that I can clean both bathrooms without my 15 month old drinking toilet bowl cleaner. I also know that from 1:30pm-3:30pm my oldest will be doing quiet time, and chances are my 15 month old will be destroying the play room so I can prep for dinner. Chances are, the TV will be on during "play" time after nap while my youngest is sleeping so I can actually make dinner. And finally, I know that I will put down my youngest while the other two are watching their evening movie so I can peacefully read them at least 2 books before they go to bed at the same time. Unfortunately my husband does not have a conventional work schedule nor do I. So, myself, my nanny or my husband needs to be able to handle all the kids by themselves. If I didn't have this schedule to resort back to, my mind would be chaotic and I'd lose it way more often than I already do. 

The beauty of the schedule is that this is not only helpful for yourself but when a sitter comes in for date night or in an emergency state, your children have a routine that they are comfortable following and the caretaker has a point of reference of what is usually down at any point of the day.

I hope this example helps you to create whatever you need in your own home to keep your mind sane and be able to relax in the evening with a glass of wine like I am...

Husband/Father Privilege

Alright, if you're a husband, hear me out. My posts tend to be about themes that I have seen in my practice with a dabble of personal experience as well. Recently I have had a flurry of new moms (maybe because they see I keep popping out kids). A common frustration that I hear is the assumed responsibility that is given to the mother to manage care of the children. Doesn't sound like too crazy of a thought though right? It's not. It's innate, we're good at it and have trouble stopping ourselves. But when not given careful attention it can be extremely frustrating to a mother that is attempting to mentally manage a million things at once.

For example, I decided that I would like to work part time and my husband decided that he would like to continue working full time after we had children. If I have a meeting come up or a conference that I would like to attend, it is my responsibility to secure child care in my absence. If my husband has a meeting to attend or a conference he'd like to go to, it is assumed that I will be covering the childcare. Not an unfair assumption but again, something to be mindful of. If I have something come up that I would like my sitter to stay longer and she can't, I have to miss out. If my husband has something come up, it's a guarantee that either myself or the sitter will already be covering childcare.

This may not look exactly the same in your relationship and maybe not even close. I would guess however that even full time working moms are the ones that are packing the daycare bag for the next day before bed and waking in the middle of the night to soothe the cries of the little ones. This post is not to bash any dads and call you out for not doing enough. It wouldn't hurt however to do an inventory on what each other is taking care of without even realizing it.

A double standard often plays out as well. My husband is a great partner in crime when it comes to our family. He does the grocery shopping, I do the cooking (tragic mistake). We share the cleaning and laundry when he's not working and he often takes the kids out places by himself. Based on the looks and feedback I hear, you would have thought the man sh!t gold. "Oh my gosh, he does so much!" "You are so lucky to have him!" False. We are lucky to have each other. Yes he's wonderful but good lord, he's just being a dad. You throw a mom in that scenario and the world would tell her to pick up the pace.

I'm sure there may be some marriages that have worked out these kinks and don't run into this issue at all. I applaud you! ...and not sarcastically either. It is my goal for my own marriage as well as for all of my clients that an awareness be brought to the table that both parents should attempt to be mindful of their children's needs and respect for each other as individuals and co-parents.

Childhood Kaleidoscope

Tonight the concept of childhood came up in session and reviewing how we feel about our childhood. This just so happens to be one of my favorite topics to discuss so I'm surprised I haven't spent more time on it. When I was in college, my dad got me a book called, "Actually it is your parents fault". It was one of the most validating experiences I've ever had. This however does not completely encompass what I believe has a healthy perspective on childhood. I believe that the view of your childhood should be a multi-faceted glowing crystal that encompasses many different perspectives...

Acknowledging your parents faults.

This is the fun one. This is where you get to be vindictive and shred your parents parenting style and wrong-doings and get to feel all warm and fuzzy inside because you don't have to take any ownership over your own behaviors. Yes you are allowed to do it, but only for a minute. Yeah, you may have adopted some really crappy habits that you watched your parents do. You may have zero self-esteem because you were never validated for your accomplishments. You may have even experienced some trauma from your parents and yes you get to be angry about that. In my opinion however, not forever. It's not going to do you any good nor fix anything that happened.

Understand their perspective.

We grow up with this notion that our parents are perfect and they know exactly what they are doing. False. They don't. And neither do you. Because we're human. We are in this fantastic cycle of learning from the generation before us and attempting to do better the next time around but we are more than likely going to screw some things up again. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY!! So give your parents a break. I'm not saying validate what they did but understand it. What was their parenting model? What were they taught? What was going on in their lives? Put yourself in their situation. Again. This does not validate but it helps us understand.

Find the Positives.

Granted part of my job is to find the positive in any situation but I can guarantee that you can find some positives from your childhood and your parents way of doing things. This will again not invalidate your experiences but rather shift your view on valuing your past rather than finding resentment. The energy that you will carry from this shift in perspective will hold enough value to want to do this with everything. Remember, your view of childhood is multi-faceted. I am not encouraging you to avoid or invalidate your experiences but allow them to co-exist with the positives as well.

Make your changes.

Now is the time where you have the opportunity to take everything that you have learned and shift your own behaviors and perspectives individually as well as parenting style if that applies. You get to acknowledge that you don't have a good self-esteem and begin rebuilding it for yourself. You get to acknowledge those bad habits and decide to do something else regardless of what was modeled for you. Your history does not define your future and taking ownership of that will be your life changing moment.

To put everything in context, this is an example of my own personal experience...

Dad, feel free to jump in if this is embarrassing but I think you'll appreciate my perspective. Growing up, my father was pretty demanding in terms of grades and accomplishments. From my experience I remember bringing home all A's and a B and hearing, "why isn't this one an A?" After conversations now, I understand that he was proud of my accomplishments and wanted me to continue pushing myself.

Step 1) - Acknowledge the faults
For a long time I held the perspective that he didn't think I was good enough and that I wasn't valued for my abilities. Did I enjoy this interactation? HELL NO! Did I feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Uh no!  could have used a bit more positive reinforcement and praise.

Step 2) - Understand the perspective
I know that his father held the same standards and he was only continuing the cycle of behavior that was modeled for him. I know he was working a lot and was attempting to co-parent 4 children. (I have 2 kids...4 is a lot ...sheesh).

Step 3) - Find the positives
Sitting in that perspective will leave me with resentment and anger. But what came from all of this, is my ability to continually push myself to always try to be better. I feel as though I was successful academically due to him pushing me.

Step 4) - Making the changes
I found what works and I found what doesn't work. After evaluating my experience I want to praise my children for the positive while at the same time encouraging them and challenging them to keep trying to push themselves to be better.

Your childhood doesn't always have to be a closet full of skeletons. Sometimes it's worth unpacking and making peace with it ALL. The good, bad and the ugly.

"Teach that kid the word NO!"

My husband and I often discuss how we respond to our 2 girls, mainly the 2 1/2 year old being that the other one just wants something to chew on (10 months). Throughout this debate to make sure we are on the same page, I've had to evaluate why I choose to do things the way I do with my kids. I don't like to say "no" to my kids. "Gasp! you're kid is going to turn into a brat!" False. And I'll tell you why...

I understand that kids need to understand they will not get everything they want and nor should they. My daughter will often ask me to do something and it's either not appropriate weather, timing is off, age appropriate ability, whatever the reasoning is...it just ain't gon' fly. Kids, little kids at least, don't have the ability to see past the next 5 seconds unless prompted to bring them out of their fixation with the current situation. They need to have some sort of control or empowerment over the situation to know that they have some freedom or choice. Again, this may sound like I let myself get run by a 2.5 year old, sometimes true (we all need work, don't judge). For example... This is how a "no" response may be communicated...

"Daddy/Mommy, I want to use the knife to cut my apple."

"No, you will cut yourself. Only Daddy or Mommy is allowed to use this knife."

The situation has been explained to the child and this response may or may not cause a negative response. They now potentially understand the situation and reasoning behind the "no" but this may not always compute and diffuse the disappointment of feeling inadequate. This may sound dramatic but I believe it's these small instances that build fundamental bones of childrens' psyche.

Option 2

"Daddy/Mommy I want to use the knife to cut my apple."

"You may use this knife when you get big like Mommy/Daddy. For now, you can pick up the cut pieces of apple and put them in your bowl!"

According to my research (pushes glasses up on nose..aka...my experiences with my 2.5 year old) the difference in response are completely black and white. With the first situation, she may say, "ooooook" with slumped posture and disappointment in not being able to help. With the second scenario, she now feels empowered and independent in the ability to be a part of the process. I still didn't give in to something that was unsafe but in the process, she gets excited to be able to do SOMETHING. This can literally be the most ridiculous task in the entire world but if he/she is capable of it, they will own it like nobody's business. The beauty of this, is in following days/weeks, she then reiterates to me her excitement of being able to use a knife when she gets bigger rather than ruminating over the idea of shame of not being able to do something because she is small or being fearful of something because she doesn't have the coordination to protect herself.

In a sense, these are primary skills in developing the concept of reframing. Reframing is looking at a situation either in a positive or negative light. In adults, it's looking at the glass half full or looking at the glass half empty. Through this process, we can teach our children to find the positive in disappointing situations rather than fixate on the "can't's" or disappointments.

Yes, my child will hear the word "No" from many that come into her life without any other option but hopefully over the years, she will be able to develop the skill to find other positive venues on her own.

The Family Evolution

Writer's block is finding me as I tip-toe around this concept of managing differing family styles and integrating parenting techniques amongst a new marriage and child-raising. I, of course, have experienced many of these battles throughout my young marriage and parenthood but believe that it's an important concept to speak to even as I may still be in the thick of it.

As many of my couples say to each other, "Why don't you just get it? Why do you make such a big deal out of nothing? How is this seriously an issue?" What I have found in my own marriage and throughout working with many couples is that the only way we can grow in a relationship, is accepting that whatever opinion or view someone has is not wrong or invalid, but 100% truth according to what they know. I already feel as though I'm not being clear. I will never understand my husband completely in terms of his moral background, comfortability, decision making, demeanor, parenting style...yada yada yada but what I can understand completely is that his opinion and understanding of the world is neither wrong nor invalid but may completely different from what I know. All that he can do as well is understand that my perspective is my truth as well.

So you may say, well then where do we go from here? We move towards attempting to understand and respecting their feelings based on trying to learn about where they are coming from. And no this cannot be one-sided. Both people need to work towards understanding each other's opinions. Now once you have figured out each other, guess what? You're not done.

You decide to take on raising a tiny bundle of joy that is now 1000% times more confusing because now you are both responsible for it, have the ideals of both extended families weighing in on how the child should be raised as well as you and your partner attempting to figure out how to do it together. Ohhhh $h*t. Don't back out yet, it's possible. Now that you've mastered attempting to understand your spouse, you can challenge your abilities to understand your in-laws. (Hi In-laws...yeah you're just waiting for me to talk smack huh?) Nope. Not gonna happen. My family and my in-laws are two very different groups of people and that is totally fine. And not even just fine....it's beautiful. My children now are going to have an immense spectrum of influence as to how to view the world and live in it. I'm guessing you may feel the same. And shoot, if not, then you may have an easier time than you think. I know that my in-laws do things that I have trouble understanding but that doesn't mean that they are wrong. Just as I hope that my husband sees that my family is only doing what they think is best as well.

Whatcha got? Oh you think your situation is different? Nope. I don't care if what they are doing is horrendous behavior. Is it appropriate? maybe not. Is it ethical? maybe not. Is it legal? MAYBE NOT! Is it excusable? Absolutely not. But can we attempt to learn about the motivation and seek to find understanding? YES. And this is how we don't lose our minds. I may be overly optimistic and maybe a bit of a hippie but I would like to think that people are inherently good and just got put in the wrong direction at some point in their life.

Talk it out, learn about people and you may actually find that you like more of your family and in-laws than you think.

....I'll be back again with more brain-bursting epiphanies. (sarcasm if you don't know me...this all may be bull$h*t)

Those damn jeans...

The battle of weight and size and how you are supposed to look is nauseating and appears to be never ending beginning who the hell knows when...middle school? elementary school? Whatever the case, we need to break this vicious routine of beating ourselves up for our body size, shape, appearance in general. I am no stranger to roller coaster scales. I was a varsity athlete in high school followed by a love affair with pizza and beer during my first two years of college. Let's just say the "freshman 15" was a little bit more like "freshman 50". Through this process, I obviously needed to do some deep meditation to find self love and am happy to say after two pregnancies and massive fluctuations of weight, I have realized what a fluid process your exterior can take and how solid you are capable of keeping your insides.

Ideally, we like to think that as long as we are in this 1-2 pound range, then we are where we want to be. Or unfortunately, like I hear many and how I used to talk to myself, I just need to lose 10 more pounds, 20 more pounds, 50 more pounds! But guess what, no I'm not going to say, forget your goals, stay exactly as you are. Health is fabulous. Work hard to feel good, stay active and eat healthy but we have to stop punishing ourselves in the process. Do you have any idea how grand it feels to pull on a pair of jeans, button them comfortably, and have them hug the curves of your body perfectly? No? Then you are punishing yourself. Do you have any idea how empowering it is to wear clothing that does not distract you from enjoying your life, focusing on what's in front of you? No? Then you are punishing yourself. If you have clothing in your closet that is hurtful to wear, a struggle to button, then yes, maybe at one point you were able to wear it but just because something in your life has happened that has changed your physique, you do not need to force yourself to wear them now. IT IS OK TO WEAR CLOTHING THAT FITS YOUR BODY REGARDLESS OF THE NUMBER!

This is more for my ladies out there, but this evening I'm watching Eat, Pray, Love with a hearty glass of wine. (tipsy blogging-yes). There's a line where Julia Roberts is asking her friend if at any moment after she undresses in front of a man, does he excuse her from the room. No, because he's one lucky bastard to have a naked lady standing in front of him.

We have to stop worrying about what we look like and start realizing what we have to experience.

Balance

I never in a million years would have thought I would want to be a stay at home mom. This week I returned to work after a 7 week maternity leave following the birth of my second child. I now have a 23 month old girl and 7 week old girl. Tell those stats to my 23 year old self and I would say there's no way in hell I'd be able to stay home all day with THAT! As I began to make my comments here and there about not wanting to return to work, my husband absolutely LOVED to remind me of that 23 year old self. "Oh how the tables have turned!" With all of the adjustment physically, emotionally, logistically and not to mention hormonally I wasn't about to make a drastic decision to end my career in one fall swoop. Alas, I begrudgingly had to get ready for work. After I fed my youngest and got her snug in her crib for a nap, I sat in a rocking chair with my 23 month old for a few games of peek a boo and singing songs in funny voices. My husband luckily was going to be watching the girls for my first day back since our sitter was out of town. Normally I would have to seek him out to take watch but this time he had to remind me it was time to go to work.. He picked up my toddler and like a scorned child I made my way up the stairs to shower.

Before you get too depressed, this story does have a happy ending. 

As I'm driving into work I started to rack my brain thinking, "What the hell happened to me!?" And then I realized that I had just found another part of myself. Apparently it just took me about 2 years to really get here. 

I got to work, got a beautiful welcome from colleagues along with text messages and calls from family and friends checking in to see how my first day back was going. It was odd is the only way I can describe...somehow living a former life that seemed like ages ago after sleepless nights and diaper changing 24/7 just after 7 weeks.

As I laid back down in bed at 4:30am after a feeding for my tiniest angel, I began to recount the mental activity of the day and realized the excitement I was experiencing from triggering a different part of my brain. I actually did enjoy going back to work! 

...THANK GOD because that would have been rough! 

My point in all of this is to remember that we are not one dimensional. It is ok be the yin AND the yang. We can hold many parts within ourselves. The important and crucial part (for me in particular) is not to lose those parts as we experience new. So for my working moms, remember that it's ok to have that desire to tap into that side of your brain while still wanting to wipe away tears after a bad dream. And for my stay at home moms, remember that you are multi dimensional and deserve to tap into other parts of your brain. 

We all have a right to balance. Don't be afraid to experience your "other selves". It may be terrifying to branch out from what is familiar but it is so worth it.