"We accept the love we think we deserve."

I finally got to sit down and watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower, written and directed by Stephen Chbosky. I knew I was going to be intrigued by the movie just from the trailer and highlight of the quote "we accept the love we think we deserve." I had NO idea how much depth this movie would have and how emotionally invested I would become. Honestly I don't know why I'm surprised by this. I was an emotional person prior to having a child and now almost anything can make me sob like a blabbering baboon. Unstable? no...I know when I can release and when to keep it together. Anyway..NOT ABOUT ME.

This beautiful beautiful quote means so much to me and I believe it is the core of so many of the presenting issues that I discuss on a daily basis while in session. 

"How do I FIND these people to get into a relationship with?"

"Why is my friend such a jerk to me?"

"My boss just feels like she can bulldoze me on a daily basis!"

Ok, I will start with that not all of these presenting issues are solved by one simple quote but it's a good starting point. Just like any other subject and therapy sessions, a thousand different elements come into play.

It is so crucially important to define for yourself what you believe you deserve. Define what you require in people in your lives. I have a past post about expectations which may appear to contradict this concept but everything in balance. I encourage every single client of mine to create a list of the "must-haves" for personal relationships. I think what is missing is what you will not stand for. Many girls for instance, have on their list, must be nice, have a job, want a family... yadda yadda yadda. The particulars are what is missing I believe. I want you to be specific about what you deserve...

For example:

My mate will respect my professional decisions and career aspirations
My mate will not attempt to manipulate my feelings

My mate will communicate with me regarding concerns about our relationship

Initially, your partner may not have all of these on the list. No I'm not saying CHANGE your partner but know what you are looking for so that if by chance your partner is willing to listen to your relationship aspirations and attempt to meet those needs, you will be prepared. With that being said, be open to your partners needs as well. You may have not envisioned particular needs by your partner but may come to the conclusion that it's no big deal to meet their needs as well! And that my friends, is communication of needs and dedication to working together in a respectful partnership.

My dad may not believe that I listen to anything that he says but one thing stands out to me when discussing relationships. Early in my marriage I wanted things to be "50-50" to make sure that I wasn't being taken advantage of and that things were FAIR. What I failed to realize was that I was focusing not only on what I was giving to the relationship but what I was receiving. My dad said that a relationship will only work when each partner is putting in 100%. Logically this makes absolutely no sense right? Umm...Herlloooo...that makes 200%! Besides this tiny detail, we need to make sure we are giving 100% in our relationships as well as engaging in relationships with others that are willing to give 100%. And that 100% standard can only come when you set it.

Disconnect from the need to be heard and defined.

“Disconnect from the need to be heard and defined. Go out into the world, leave distractions behind.”

Post inspired by this video-
http://blog.petflow.com/a-video-everyone-needs-to-see/#eQbAvVllb2tTpbql.01

 I realize as I begin this post the hypocrisy of it all but the reality is that this message may not get to as many as I’d like without the use of social media and technology. Obviously this is not an original thought with being inspired by this video and we’ve heard many make an effort to highlight the fact that we lack actual physical interaction with the ease and comfort of typing our thoughts onto a screen rather than sharing them in person. Again, please know that I recognize the hypocrisy. This video has been circulating Facebook for quite some time and I always passed by it to get a quick glance of the next breaking news post someone posted underneath it. Turns out, it really gives a nice wake up call to how much time we spend on our screens rather than interacting.

 My post is not another groundbreaking wake up to get off social media but to rather look at how we feel based on using social media. I look at it as a drug or any other stimulant that anyone is very capable of getting addicted to but can also be ok in moderation. … not like heroin or meth. (“But my therapist said meth in moderation was ok!”) No. I’m talking about a parallel of a glass of wine in the evening. We feed into social media because it rewards us for positive things that we say. We instantly get affirmed with a “like” or a comment telling us exactly what we are hoping to hear. Just like any other addiction, I challenge you to evaluate what you are seeking when posting to social media and what might be missing in your daily life that you feel you like affirmation from the world. Let me again recognize that I am not on any pedestal and that this whole concept is a challenge for me as well.

 To make another comparison, health food vs. junk food. As much as I would like to say this is no challenge for me either, I’d be lying. I have experienced that eating correct portions of healthy foods rather than binging on double stuffed Oreos (sweet mother of pearl I just got a craving), makes me feel a thousand times better in the long run. Just as when I sit on social media and maybe get a “like” or two or three…or four…HOW MANY MORE CAN I GET! I instantly get gratified with the response and endorphins start firing and I’m rewarded and I want to do it again. Just like any other instant gratification…this fades and I’m waiting around for the next moment to get a hit. Just like drugs, just like double stuffed Oreos. I need to make the conscious decision to socialize, have coffee with a friend, listen to what is happening in someone elses' life, go for a run, take my dog for a walk, or play with my daughter. These activities, like eating my vitamins and protein or going to be sustainable and long lasting. Leaving me with a sense of fulfillment rather than waiting for my next hit of instant gratification.

 What if you don’t have a dog, or a child, or a partner or even friends? Put yourself in an opportunity to create those connections. I know this may be difficult but it’s worth the challenge. And if you are having trouble with that, I bet a therapist would be wiling to help you along the way ☺