I'm supposed to take care of all these kids by myself?!?!

Heeellloooo 2018!! It's been over a year since I've shared all of my wisdom and extremely important information 😏. Today, as I was helping a new mother adjust to the idea of adding more chaos to her household of one toddler, I showed her the schedules that I use to keep my circus in line or at least the blueprint that I refer back to when things get out of control.

When I brought home number 2, my oldest was 21 months. The initial few days were great with all the visitors and help with entertaining and holding whichever kid I needed help with at the time. Then, several days later, as my husband went out to cut the grass, and my in-laws made their ways to their cars to go home, immense panic set in and I started to cry realizing that I was now in charge of taking care of not one but TWO children. Pretty sure I ran out to the street begging my in-laws to stay a little bit longer until Nick finished mowing.

Cut to, attempting to make dinner, baby crying in the swing, my toddler crying because she can't get something figured out with a toy she's playing with, the dog is starting to puke because I haven't fed him water or let him out in 12 hours and dinner boiling over on the stove and me yelling while ripping my hair out "HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO DO THIS?!" This was 3 years ago and the experience is still burned into my brain. All I heard was, "you'll figure it out" "Just take it step by step" "It'll be fine" "You'll look back and laugh". All of this advice was true but not helpful to my brain that needed specific direction on how to do it "right". There is no way to do it right, but I feel like I've gotten pretty damn close to making something tangible to making it right. I like order and I like organization and lord knows that it doesn't go the exact way I want it to go but I at least have a reference point to always go back to. Below is a schedule that I have created and have adapted during each kids shift in naps to make sure that I don't lose my mind on a daily basis and know when I can get things done because I know what the kids will be doing. I have 3 children (almost 5, just turned 3, and 15 months) and this is what we shoot for on a daily basis. The blue shade is sleeping times.

If I'm able to keep everyone on track, I know that from 10:30am-12:20pm, the two older girls are lost in play enough that I can clean both bathrooms without my 15 month old drinking toilet bowl cleaner. I also know that from 1:30pm-3:30pm my oldest will be doing quiet time, and chances are my 15 month old will be destroying the play room so I can prep for dinner. Chances are, the TV will be on during "play" time after nap while my youngest is sleeping so I can actually make dinner. And finally, I know that I will put down my youngest while the other two are watching their evening movie so I can peacefully read them at least 2 books before they go to bed at the same time. Unfortunately my husband does not have a conventional work schedule nor do I. So, myself, my nanny or my husband needs to be able to handle all the kids by themselves. If I didn't have this schedule to resort back to, my mind would be chaotic and I'd lose it way more often than I already do. 

The beauty of the schedule is that this is not only helpful for yourself but when a sitter comes in for date night or in an emergency state, your children have a routine that they are comfortable following and the caretaker has a point of reference of what is usually down at any point of the day.

I hope this example helps you to create whatever you need in your own home to keep your mind sane and be able to relax in the evening with a glass of wine like I am...

Husband/Father Privilege

Alright, if you're a husband, hear me out. My posts tend to be about themes that I have seen in my practice with a dabble of personal experience as well. Recently I have had a flurry of new moms (maybe because they see I keep popping out kids). A common frustration that I hear is the assumed responsibility that is given to the mother to manage care of the children. Doesn't sound like too crazy of a thought though right? It's not. It's innate, we're good at it and have trouble stopping ourselves. But when not given careful attention it can be extremely frustrating to a mother that is attempting to mentally manage a million things at once.

For example, I decided that I would like to work part time and my husband decided that he would like to continue working full time after we had children. If I have a meeting come up or a conference that I would like to attend, it is my responsibility to secure child care in my absence. If my husband has a meeting to attend or a conference he'd like to go to, it is assumed that I will be covering the childcare. Not an unfair assumption but again, something to be mindful of. If I have something come up that I would like my sitter to stay longer and she can't, I have to miss out. If my husband has something come up, it's a guarantee that either myself or the sitter will already be covering childcare.

This may not look exactly the same in your relationship and maybe not even close. I would guess however that even full time working moms are the ones that are packing the daycare bag for the next day before bed and waking in the middle of the night to soothe the cries of the little ones. This post is not to bash any dads and call you out for not doing enough. It wouldn't hurt however to do an inventory on what each other is taking care of without even realizing it.

A double standard often plays out as well. My husband is a great partner in crime when it comes to our family. He does the grocery shopping, I do the cooking (tragic mistake). We share the cleaning and laundry when he's not working and he often takes the kids out places by himself. Based on the looks and feedback I hear, you would have thought the man sh!t gold. "Oh my gosh, he does so much!" "You are so lucky to have him!" False. We are lucky to have each other. Yes he's wonderful but good lord, he's just being a dad. You throw a mom in that scenario and the world would tell her to pick up the pace.

I'm sure there may be some marriages that have worked out these kinks and don't run into this issue at all. I applaud you! ...and not sarcastically either. It is my goal for my own marriage as well as for all of my clients that an awareness be brought to the table that both parents should attempt to be mindful of their children's needs and respect for each other as individuals and co-parents.

Childhood Kaleidoscope

Tonight the concept of childhood came up in session and reviewing how we feel about our childhood. This just so happens to be one of my favorite topics to discuss so I'm surprised I haven't spent more time on it. When I was in college, my dad got me a book called, "Actually it is your parents fault". It was one of the most validating experiences I've ever had. This however does not completely encompass what I believe has a healthy perspective on childhood. I believe that the view of your childhood should be a multi-faceted glowing crystal that encompasses many different perspectives...

Acknowledging your parents faults.

This is the fun one. This is where you get to be vindictive and shred your parents parenting style and wrong-doings and get to feel all warm and fuzzy inside because you don't have to take any ownership over your own behaviors. Yes you are allowed to do it, but only for a minute. Yeah, you may have adopted some really crappy habits that you watched your parents do. You may have zero self-esteem because you were never validated for your accomplishments. You may have even experienced some trauma from your parents and yes you get to be angry about that. In my opinion however, not forever. It's not going to do you any good nor fix anything that happened.

Understand their perspective.

We grow up with this notion that our parents are perfect and they know exactly what they are doing. False. They don't. And neither do you. Because we're human. We are in this fantastic cycle of learning from the generation before us and attempting to do better the next time around but we are more than likely going to screw some things up again. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY!! So give your parents a break. I'm not saying validate what they did but understand it. What was their parenting model? What were they taught? What was going on in their lives? Put yourself in their situation. Again. This does not validate but it helps us understand.

Find the Positives.

Granted part of my job is to find the positive in any situation but I can guarantee that you can find some positives from your childhood and your parents way of doing things. This will again not invalidate your experiences but rather shift your view on valuing your past rather than finding resentment. The energy that you will carry from this shift in perspective will hold enough value to want to do this with everything. Remember, your view of childhood is multi-faceted. I am not encouraging you to avoid or invalidate your experiences but allow them to co-exist with the positives as well.

Make your changes.

Now is the time where you have the opportunity to take everything that you have learned and shift your own behaviors and perspectives individually as well as parenting style if that applies. You get to acknowledge that you don't have a good self-esteem and begin rebuilding it for yourself. You get to acknowledge those bad habits and decide to do something else regardless of what was modeled for you. Your history does not define your future and taking ownership of that will be your life changing moment.

To put everything in context, this is an example of my own personal experience...

Dad, feel free to jump in if this is embarrassing but I think you'll appreciate my perspective. Growing up, my father was pretty demanding in terms of grades and accomplishments. From my experience I remember bringing home all A's and a B and hearing, "why isn't this one an A?" After conversations now, I understand that he was proud of my accomplishments and wanted me to continue pushing myself.

Step 1) - Acknowledge the faults
For a long time I held the perspective that he didn't think I was good enough and that I wasn't valued for my abilities. Did I enjoy this interactation? HELL NO! Did I feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Uh no!  could have used a bit more positive reinforcement and praise.

Step 2) - Understand the perspective
I know that his father held the same standards and he was only continuing the cycle of behavior that was modeled for him. I know he was working a lot and was attempting to co-parent 4 children. (I have 2 kids...4 is a lot ...sheesh).

Step 3) - Find the positives
Sitting in that perspective will leave me with resentment and anger. But what came from all of this, is my ability to continually push myself to always try to be better. I feel as though I was successful academically due to him pushing me.

Step 4) - Making the changes
I found what works and I found what doesn't work. After evaluating my experience I want to praise my children for the positive while at the same time encouraging them and challenging them to keep trying to push themselves to be better.

Your childhood doesn't always have to be a closet full of skeletons. Sometimes it's worth unpacking and making peace with it ALL. The good, bad and the ugly.

"Teach that kid the word NO!"

My husband and I often discuss how we respond to our 2 girls, mainly the 2 1/2 year old being that the other one just wants something to chew on (10 months). Throughout this debate to make sure we are on the same page, I've had to evaluate why I choose to do things the way I do with my kids. I don't like to say "no" to my kids. "Gasp! you're kid is going to turn into a brat!" False. And I'll tell you why...

I understand that kids need to understand they will not get everything they want and nor should they. My daughter will often ask me to do something and it's either not appropriate weather, timing is off, age appropriate ability, whatever the reasoning is...it just ain't gon' fly. Kids, little kids at least, don't have the ability to see past the next 5 seconds unless prompted to bring them out of their fixation with the current situation. They need to have some sort of control or empowerment over the situation to know that they have some freedom or choice. Again, this may sound like I let myself get run by a 2.5 year old, sometimes true (we all need work, don't judge). For example... This is how a "no" response may be communicated...

"Daddy/Mommy, I want to use the knife to cut my apple."

"No, you will cut yourself. Only Daddy or Mommy is allowed to use this knife."

The situation has been explained to the child and this response may or may not cause a negative response. They now potentially understand the situation and reasoning behind the "no" but this may not always compute and diffuse the disappointment of feeling inadequate. This may sound dramatic but I believe it's these small instances that build fundamental bones of childrens' psyche.

Option 2

"Daddy/Mommy I want to use the knife to cut my apple."

"You may use this knife when you get big like Mommy/Daddy. For now, you can pick up the cut pieces of apple and put them in your bowl!"

According to my research (pushes glasses up on nose..aka...my experiences with my 2.5 year old) the difference in response are completely black and white. With the first situation, she may say, "ooooook" with slumped posture and disappointment in not being able to help. With the second scenario, she now feels empowered and independent in the ability to be a part of the process. I still didn't give in to something that was unsafe but in the process, she gets excited to be able to do SOMETHING. This can literally be the most ridiculous task in the entire world but if he/she is capable of it, they will own it like nobody's business. The beauty of this, is in following days/weeks, she then reiterates to me her excitement of being able to use a knife when she gets bigger rather than ruminating over the idea of shame of not being able to do something because she is small or being fearful of something because she doesn't have the coordination to protect herself.

In a sense, these are primary skills in developing the concept of reframing. Reframing is looking at a situation either in a positive or negative light. In adults, it's looking at the glass half full or looking at the glass half empty. Through this process, we can teach our children to find the positive in disappointing situations rather than fixate on the "can't's" or disappointments.

Yes, my child will hear the word "No" from many that come into her life without any other option but hopefully over the years, she will be able to develop the skill to find other positive venues on her own.

The Family Evolution

Writer's block is finding me as I tip-toe around this concept of managing differing family styles and integrating parenting techniques amongst a new marriage and child-raising. I, of course, have experienced many of these battles throughout my young marriage and parenthood but believe that it's an important concept to speak to even as I may still be in the thick of it.

As many of my couples say to each other, "Why don't you just get it? Why do you make such a big deal out of nothing? How is this seriously an issue?" What I have found in my own marriage and throughout working with many couples is that the only way we can grow in a relationship, is accepting that whatever opinion or view someone has is not wrong or invalid, but 100% truth according to what they know. I already feel as though I'm not being clear. I will never understand my husband completely in terms of his moral background, comfortability, decision making, demeanor, parenting style...yada yada yada but what I can understand completely is that his opinion and understanding of the world is neither wrong nor invalid but may completely different from what I know. All that he can do as well is understand that my perspective is my truth as well.

So you may say, well then where do we go from here? We move towards attempting to understand and respecting their feelings based on trying to learn about where they are coming from. And no this cannot be one-sided. Both people need to work towards understanding each other's opinions. Now once you have figured out each other, guess what? You're not done.

You decide to take on raising a tiny bundle of joy that is now 1000% times more confusing because now you are both responsible for it, have the ideals of both extended families weighing in on how the child should be raised as well as you and your partner attempting to figure out how to do it together. Ohhhh $h*t. Don't back out yet, it's possible. Now that you've mastered attempting to understand your spouse, you can challenge your abilities to understand your in-laws. (Hi In-laws...yeah you're just waiting for me to talk smack huh?) Nope. Not gonna happen. My family and my in-laws are two very different groups of people and that is totally fine. And not even just fine....it's beautiful. My children now are going to have an immense spectrum of influence as to how to view the world and live in it. I'm guessing you may feel the same. And shoot, if not, then you may have an easier time than you think. I know that my in-laws do things that I have trouble understanding but that doesn't mean that they are wrong. Just as I hope that my husband sees that my family is only doing what they think is best as well.

Whatcha got? Oh you think your situation is different? Nope. I don't care if what they are doing is horrendous behavior. Is it appropriate? maybe not. Is it ethical? maybe not. Is it legal? MAYBE NOT! Is it excusable? Absolutely not. But can we attempt to learn about the motivation and seek to find understanding? YES. And this is how we don't lose our minds. I may be overly optimistic and maybe a bit of a hippie but I would like to think that people are inherently good and just got put in the wrong direction at some point in their life.

Talk it out, learn about people and you may actually find that you like more of your family and in-laws than you think.

....I'll be back again with more brain-bursting epiphanies. (sarcasm if you don't know me...this all may be bull$h*t)

Those damn jeans...

The battle of weight and size and how you are supposed to look is nauseating and appears to be never ending beginning who the hell knows when...middle school? elementary school? Whatever the case, we need to break this vicious routine of beating ourselves up for our body size, shape, appearance in general. I am no stranger to roller coaster scales. I was a varsity athlete in high school followed by a love affair with pizza and beer during my first two years of college. Let's just say the "freshman 15" was a little bit more like "freshman 50". Through this process, I obviously needed to do some deep meditation to find self love and am happy to say after two pregnancies and massive fluctuations of weight, I have realized what a fluid process your exterior can take and how solid you are capable of keeping your insides.

Ideally, we like to think that as long as we are in this 1-2 pound range, then we are where we want to be. Or unfortunately, like I hear many and how I used to talk to myself, I just need to lose 10 more pounds, 20 more pounds, 50 more pounds! But guess what, no I'm not going to say, forget your goals, stay exactly as you are. Health is fabulous. Work hard to feel good, stay active and eat healthy but we have to stop punishing ourselves in the process. Do you have any idea how grand it feels to pull on a pair of jeans, button them comfortably, and have them hug the curves of your body perfectly? No? Then you are punishing yourself. Do you have any idea how empowering it is to wear clothing that does not distract you from enjoying your life, focusing on what's in front of you? No? Then you are punishing yourself. If you have clothing in your closet that is hurtful to wear, a struggle to button, then yes, maybe at one point you were able to wear it but just because something in your life has happened that has changed your physique, you do not need to force yourself to wear them now. IT IS OK TO WEAR CLOTHING THAT FITS YOUR BODY REGARDLESS OF THE NUMBER!

This is more for my ladies out there, but this evening I'm watching Eat, Pray, Love with a hearty glass of wine. (tipsy blogging-yes). There's a line where Julia Roberts is asking her friend if at any moment after she undresses in front of a man, does he excuse her from the room. No, because he's one lucky bastard to have a naked lady standing in front of him.

We have to stop worrying about what we look like and start realizing what we have to experience.

Balance

I never in a million years would have thought I would want to be a stay at home mom. This week I returned to work after a 7 week maternity leave following the birth of my second child. I now have a 23 month old girl and 7 week old girl. Tell those stats to my 23 year old self and I would say there's no way in hell I'd be able to stay home all day with THAT! As I began to make my comments here and there about not wanting to return to work, my husband absolutely LOVED to remind me of that 23 year old self. "Oh how the tables have turned!" With all of the adjustment physically, emotionally, logistically and not to mention hormonally I wasn't about to make a drastic decision to end my career in one fall swoop. Alas, I begrudgingly had to get ready for work. After I fed my youngest and got her snug in her crib for a nap, I sat in a rocking chair with my 23 month old for a few games of peek a boo and singing songs in funny voices. My husband luckily was going to be watching the girls for my first day back since our sitter was out of town. Normally I would have to seek him out to take watch but this time he had to remind me it was time to go to work.. He picked up my toddler and like a scorned child I made my way up the stairs to shower.

Before you get too depressed, this story does have a happy ending. 

As I'm driving into work I started to rack my brain thinking, "What the hell happened to me!?" And then I realized that I had just found another part of myself. Apparently it just took me about 2 years to really get here. 

I got to work, got a beautiful welcome from colleagues along with text messages and calls from family and friends checking in to see how my first day back was going. It was odd is the only way I can describe...somehow living a former life that seemed like ages ago after sleepless nights and diaper changing 24/7 just after 7 weeks.

As I laid back down in bed at 4:30am after a feeding for my tiniest angel, I began to recount the mental activity of the day and realized the excitement I was experiencing from triggering a different part of my brain. I actually did enjoy going back to work! 

...THANK GOD because that would have been rough! 

My point in all of this is to remember that we are not one dimensional. It is ok be the yin AND the yang. We can hold many parts within ourselves. The important and crucial part (for me in particular) is not to lose those parts as we experience new. So for my working moms, remember that it's ok to have that desire to tap into that side of your brain while still wanting to wipe away tears after a bad dream. And for my stay at home moms, remember that you are multi dimensional and deserve to tap into other parts of your brain. 

We all have a right to balance. Don't be afraid to experience your "other selves". It may be terrifying to branch out from what is familiar but it is so worth it. 

Creative Parenting

For some reason, as I was driving home from work last night I had a vivid memory of my childhood. One thing that my parents were very good about was having us all sit down together for dinner. Sometimes this turned into great conversation later in life but early on was pretty much a $h*t show. I was probably in the 2nd or 3rd grade and between 2 out of the 4 of us children, someone started name calling. This could be a fabricated image but I can see both of my parents tiredly spooning dinner and staring blankly out the window. After a few rounds of irritable behavior between my siblings and I, one of my parents, said, "If you're going to insult each other, at least be creative about it." Again, could be a complete fabrication, but I feel as though my brothers and sisters looked at each other confused thinking..."Is this a trick?"

Soon enough, after a few rounds of ridiculous "donkey food" "pig droppings" & "booger face" we were all laughing in hysterics. What could have turned into a screaming match, followed by upset children not eating their dinner, turned into joy and togetherness. I don't remember what was for dinner that night but I can bet that we happily ate our food for the remainder of dinner.

For all of my puzzled siblings, I don't discount that tired screaming matches happened on other night, my parents were human just like everyone else. But for a brief moment, let's give them some credit.

This whole memory got me thinking about a concept I learned in my first job at Directions for Youth and Families working with families in a social work style environment.

Misbehavior = Needs not being met

The memory I described earlier could have been a fluke but I'd like to think there was something behind it. Could it have been that whichever one of my siblings was angry that night (could have been me) forgot how to laugh with my brothers and sister and forgot that these people are my best friends. That need of inclusion may have not been met. Through this creative parenting, the needs of my siblings and I were met by feeling inclusion with each other.

It's easier to recognize this concept in infancy. The babies crying = might be hungry, might be tired, might need attention, something might hurt. Granted, I know there are outliers of cranky babies but you get my point. We tend to forget this later in life. When the 4 year old is hitting, he might be missing his need of learning how to communicate or the need of feeling special. When the 10 year old didn't do her homework, maybe she's missing the need of understanding the information or feeling empowered or confident to complete the homework assignment. Discipline means to teach rather than punish. Challenge yourself to find the missing need and meet that need rather than punish the symptom or the misbehavior.

Guest Post: The Vacation Ramblings of a High Class Bum.

Hi. I am Tom, Kate's Dad and partly responsible for the way Kate has turned out. The vacations we took to Florida around Christmas time were part of that partliness. I have just returned from another successful trip to the Keys with Gretchen (2nd wife) Nick and Emily (step-kids).  It was successful on several levels.

First of all, prior to going down, I had read a book called "Essentialism" by GregMcKeowm. Now the motorhome has seen better days and gas prices (except for the recent dip) has made it rather uneconomecal to drive, so I proposed sleeping in a tent. There was a wee bit of resistance to overcome  but I am happy to report that it was an overall successfull outcome. We need to take two twin size air mattresses next time instead of one queen and cover them with the mattress topper to eliminate the argument about the firmness of the mattress (my back likes it softer) and  in a perfect world I need to engineer a ceiling fan for the tent. But overall, we stayed dry during the one drenching all night rain and the breeze was lovely. We could do NOTHING about the New Years partiers at 330am. 

One of the places Gretchen, Nick and Emily visited this year was the Turtle Hospital. It is located in Marathon Key and cares for Green and Loggerhead turtles that are injured by boat propellers or by eating plastic. Gretchen said the stories of the turtles make you never want to buy things in plastic again. They were very interested and  sent pics to Anda (Kate's Sister) who was a "Turtle Tech" on Cumberland Island and who once saved Grechen and I from tenting there a second sweltering Georgia July night-part of that resistance mentioned above. 

Key West and the street performers were seen by Nick and Emily for their first time. One of the performers has been there for at least 10 years doing the same show. He said "If it still works, why change it?" The show lasts for about 10-15 minutes, he passes the hat and he goes home. He says that he pays 600/mo to the city of Key West in fees (20 bucks a night) I don't know if he has a day job too.  He is entertaining.  Another show featured a man with a trained pot bellied pig which was ummmm...a bit less thrilling. If I had a sidewalk "talent", I could easily see myself become a high class bum. (I would have a pension)

Gretchen and I did fight on this trip. The book "Unbroken" about Louie Zamparini, a WWII POW, was on the Kindle and the book "Boundaries" was in paperback. I was hogging the Kindle. If you read about Louie and the things he endured you will really have a hard time convincing yourself how anything you are facing is a problem. You will also have a hard time understanding how inhuman we can be to each other. 

I find that the more frazzled I become before vacation, the more I want to withdraw on vacation.......from the world. Returning home, we were getting breakfast in the microtel lobby and CNN news was on the TV. Some story about a missing airline and wreckage was playing. It made absolutely no difference in my life other than disturbing my recently reaquired Keys calm. Garbage in, garbage out.  We finished eating and headed backed to the car.  On long road trips an old duker like me is easily impressed with technology like Pandora, smart phones and automobiles that allow you to play them through your car speakers. So after listening to show tunes, 70's rock and classical music, we put in some Zig Ziglar.  There was one road trip when Kate got to listen to Tony Robbins all night. I don't remember anything in particular that Tony said, but Zig said a few things worth repeating. Probably a few things I was guilty of NOT doing enough.  He spoke of having to
hoe several rows of beans (8 miles long :) ) as an 8 yr old. He rushed through it and had to have his mother inspect it.  She said he had done a good enough job for most kids, but not for her son. He was better than that. He could do a better job.  Zig said that she had critisized the performance but praised the performer. He was glad to have learned the difference at a very young age. I am an old duker, but better late than never. That sort of goes along with the other thing he said about anything worth doing is worth doing poorly..........and by that he meant that no one is expert at anything they try doing for the first time.

Zig also likes to talk about prosperity, but I've decided that without understanding, prosperity is over-rated. I have this poster titled What is Life? with 75 or so quotations on it about life and one is from Soren Kierkegaard. Can't say I ever heard of him before but he said "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards". Now I did get an "A" in Logic in college and I think if true, that quotation means that we are pretty much going to be confused our whole lives. 

I think the trick is not to worry about it too much.....and if you do worry too much....go to the Keys for a little while.

Relationship Self-Esteem

I got to thinking the other day about how my husband and I have been together for 7 1/2 years. I know this is no feat deserving of any medals or accolades but still worth a thought of "how did we make it this far without killing each other?" I have a strong personality and my husband as well so when we've got something to say, we usually don't hold back (which can be wildly entertaining for some).

Through all of that I try to pick apart and analyze how we do make it because aside from the nastiness we throw at each other sometimes, we can find our way back to happy love (far different from angry love or sad love). 

I made an earlier post about positive self talk and training your brain to believe that you are worth everything and regardless of what you hear or go through, you can come out on the other end feeling great about yourself. I've said that if my positive self-talk was ever outwardly verbalized I'd sound like the cockiest person alive (but that's the whole point of SELF-talk not real talk).

Anyway, my point in revisiting all of this is that you can also apply those same strategies to your relationship. Nick and I probably sound like the cockiest couple if you heard our conversations. We are constantly acknowledging our ability to talk through problems and vocalize what is on our minds. We pride ourselves on building a friendship inside of our relationship. Anyone out there thinking...well that's just damn fantastic Kate but we're not able to do that in our relationship. Super! Ok not super but that's ok because just like self-talk when building your self-esteem you have to start somewhere. 

When Nick and I started dating we established what we wanted our relationship to look like. We didn't want to build resentment, we wanted to be able to tell each other everything free of judgement, we wanted to be able to compromise knowing we were going to disagree. These desires can be established at any point in a relationship. Set a new creed for your relationship! Give it a rebirth! Then something beautiful happens... A self fulfilling prophecy.

There's a promise and an investment in this new creed if you both agree on it. A few months ago I vocalized something that was bothering me that I wasn't feeling supported on. I was met with defensiveness (strong personality :D always fun) but I was able to remind him that this is not how we decided we were going to handle things. I was supposed to be able to voice my concerns and not be met with judgement but rather move towards resolution. (Trick to this is being able to swallow the defensiveness when you're being confronted as well.) With that reminder we were able to get back to what our words reminded us of what we are as a couple and the only way we could have done that is with the ridiculous cocky conversations that happen behind close doors. We don't know what the future holds but if I'm hoping if we focus on the "now", we can get to the future.

There are plenty of other communication techniques that can be worked on and applied but first let's build up the relationship self-esteem even if building on the small things.

So go ahead and fist bump your partner with a reminder that "we got this."

Therapy "Graduation"

This term was coined by one of my teen clients years ago and it made me chuckle a bit. I never viewed therapy as a program or something to "graduate" from but of course in our capitalist world of competition and achievement, it only makes sense.

Ironically, I don't agree with it. Yes, you can get to a point of feeling good and not feeling to need to process whatever is going on in your world but I don't feel that we ever "graduate" from our life problems. It is one of my favorite moments in the therapy process when a client comes in after 3 or 4 weeks and says, "well, I was sad for a day like 2 weeks ago, and then last week I got a little irritated at a co-worker so I guess I still have some work to do."

Que me, "So, you're telling me that in a 4 week span, you got "sad" for 1 day and then got "a little irritated" 2 weeks later?"

Client looking at me quizzically.

Me: "Sooooo, YOU'RE HUMAN!"

It's so interesting to me to see the night and day transformation from the beginning of therapy towards the end. All of a sudden the standards that are established are perfection. It is so important to keep balance in life. Yes, we need to be aware of what we can improve on and be aware of how we are functioning day to day but we also need to remember that if we aren't perfect in our emotional regulation everyday then we are not failures. WE ARE HUMAN. I emphasize WE because even though I preach, doesn't mean I'm perfect at it either, just ask my mother or my father or my siblings...or my friends...or my husband...oh boy the list keeps going. WAIT! I'm human! As long as we are monitoring how to resolve those moments of emotional dysfunction then we need to forgive ourselves. I'm not saying to cuss somebody out and then say, "my therapist says I'm not perfect and I need to forgive myself so whatever." No, recognize it and resolve it. But don't beat yourself up in the meantime.

We will be forever working on ourselves and that's just as healthy as any "graduation".

The Road to Self Actualization

I was inspired this evening by one of my client's which funny enough she stated, "This can be your next blog!". Congratulations! you've been my inspiration :D

I'm not sure if you know this about me, but one of the largest influences of my life and probably a majority of the reason I became a therapist is because I had an amazing therapeutic experience myself, sitting on the couch rather than across from it.

I remember walking down 17th Ave. on Ohio State's Campus heading to my next class just smiling. I couldn't contain my joy and wanted to call someone. I remember going through my phone trying to get someone to answer. Finally someone answered, my dad, and I said, "Hi!" ...he said "hello"....pause pause...waiting for the purpose of my call. I followed it up by, "How are you?" ...followed by ..."good"...pause pause...waiting for the purpose of my call. And then it dawned on me, that I had finally gotten to a point in my life that I was content enough to get out of my own head and see how someone else was doing. Obviously this was not a typical action on my part considering the confusion of the simple question "how are you?" and there being no other purpose to the call. I don't even know if he remembers this call but it was a very impacting moment for me.

This post may not seem to have much content but it's actually very important. We are covered in layers upon layers of "things" and "plans" and general dysfunction that we can't even see the things that are around us.

I know that every single time I left therapy, I felt a weight lifted and saw things a bit clearer. Seriously, just like the Claritin commercial. Tonight my client had one of those moments and it was beautiful. She was able to see something or be aware of something that she didn't even think was important in the beginning. Just like when you watch a movie or read a book for the 2nd or 3rd time, you notice something different, there are so many things going on in your life that you may not see right now but they're still there.

Do yourself a favor, attempt to clear whatever dysfunction or clouding layers that you may have in your life so that you can see what's around you and maybe even see if somebody else needs some help.

:)

Positive Self-Talk

So my last post was about creating the inner voice of your children by changing the way you speak to them. This post is about correcting that inner voice if you were never given the luxury of having a positive voice in the first place. As usual, inspired by this video...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRlpIkH3b5I&feature=youtu.be

A typical running theme throughout many of my sessions tends to be self-esteem and difficulty due to having a negative self-concept. Once this has been established as goal, I usually ask what the inner voice says on a day to day basis. I ask, "What do you say to yourself when you look in the mirror?" This is usually followed by, "ugh, I'm so fat. My nose is huge. I have a bulging stomach...yada yada yada."

Can you imagine if people that you saw on a daily basis, said these words to you?! You would be devastated. And yet, when we allow negative self-talk to happen, we are allowing the words to still enter our brain. Usually the next step is to give the assignment to become aware of what type of self-talk each of my clients uses on a daily basis and recognizing how frequently they are putting themselves down. It's ASTONISHING how nasty we can be to ourselves when we start paying attention. This doesn't even have to end with physical characteristics. This can be applied to any ability. The possibilities are endless to make yourself feel horrible! Fantastic right? No. Horrifying. But the good news is, that since we have all of these opportunities to demolish our self-esteem, that means we have an equal opportunity to boost our self-esteem and create an incredible level of confidence.

Next step is usually followed by my saying, "Do you have any idea how often I build myself up throughout the day?" Because it's quite ridiculous. Every time I walk by a mirror I say, "Damn you look good. You just had a baby! I am ridiculously good looking. I can't even help how good looking I am." This sounds so ridiculous right? And how conceded can I possibly be? This is a pep talk. I have realistic views of myself and know that I am not a super model (nor do I want to be) but why shouldn't I be able to say these things to myself! I deserve to hear them and who knows what the day will bring. If someone decides to give me a compliment that day, super; I get a double dose. If someone decides to ATTEMPT to make me feel bad about myself, I've already counter - balanced it with my positive self-talk! Mind you, I said ATTEMPT, because no one has the ability to make me feel bad about myself unless I allow them.

Think I'm insane? Try forcing yourself to say something positive about yourself every time you look in a mirror. Or tell yourself that you are doing an amazing job at work, or being a fantastic parent, or working as hard as you can. It may seem awkward at first but I PROMISE you it will pay off.

Until next time, I'm going to go stare at my beautiful self in the mirror.

"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice" -Peggy O'Mara

If you've read my other entries, you know that I am frequently inspired by movies. I'm sure I'm not alone but going to the theater or even watching movies at home, leaves me feeling motivated and energized to either recreate similar feelings I experienced while watching the movie or attempt to inspire someone else. In this case, a two-fold :) This week's inspiration comes from "The Help". I was overcome with emotion at the love that Aibileen, played by Viola Davis, had for the small girl that she looked after. She repeatedly spoke the words, "You is smart,  you is kind, you is important." You can see this small child crystalize these words in her brain and she is asked to repeat them back to Aibileen. Even though this child may be an actor, I'm positive those words had an impact on her.

Obviously this movie was way more complex than this one line, but my most recent time watching it, this line stuck out. Following watching the movie, I needed to go give my daughter her last bottle for the night. This includes pulling her out of the crib mid-sleep (I know you think I'm crazy) and popping the bottle in her mouth. It is my favorite time of the day/night that I spend with her. She is confused and takes a minute to get oriented but then realizes that she is in my arms and smiles with sleepy eyes. We slowly go to sit in the big comfy recliner rocking chair and she lays drinking her bottle. Those moments following is where my heart melts. She slowly pushes the bottle away and purses her lips with contentment as she is warm, full, and snuggling. Tonight as she was looking up at me, I decided to whisper, "You are smart, you are kind, you are important." As I finished these words, she slowly batted her eyes again at me and smiled.

I will continue to make this part of my evening routine if not include it multiple times throughout the day. I hope with every part of my being, that these words become a staple in my little girl's brain. I know that the words that she hears out of my mouth will become her inner voice and it is my job to make it a positive one.

I don't care if your child is 45, 4.5, or 4.5 months in utero. It is never too late or too early to begin developing your child's inner voice. I guarantee they need to hear it.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

I finally got to sit down and watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower, written and directed by Stephen Chbosky. I knew I was going to be intrigued by the movie just from the trailer and highlight of the quote "we accept the love we think we deserve." I had NO idea how much depth this movie would have and how emotionally invested I would become. Honestly I don't know why I'm surprised by this. I was an emotional person prior to having a child and now almost anything can make me sob like a blabbering baboon. Unstable? no...I know when I can release and when to keep it together. Anyway..NOT ABOUT ME.

This beautiful beautiful quote means so much to me and I believe it is the core of so many of the presenting issues that I discuss on a daily basis while in session. 

"How do I FIND these people to get into a relationship with?"

"Why is my friend such a jerk to me?"

"My boss just feels like she can bulldoze me on a daily basis!"

Ok, I will start with that not all of these presenting issues are solved by one simple quote but it's a good starting point. Just like any other subject and therapy sessions, a thousand different elements come into play.

It is so crucially important to define for yourself what you believe you deserve. Define what you require in people in your lives. I have a past post about expectations which may appear to contradict this concept but everything in balance. I encourage every single client of mine to create a list of the "must-haves" for personal relationships. I think what is missing is what you will not stand for. Many girls for instance, have on their list, must be nice, have a job, want a family... yadda yadda yadda. The particulars are what is missing I believe. I want you to be specific about what you deserve...

For example:

My mate will respect my professional decisions and career aspirations
My mate will not attempt to manipulate my feelings

My mate will communicate with me regarding concerns about our relationship

Initially, your partner may not have all of these on the list. No I'm not saying CHANGE your partner but know what you are looking for so that if by chance your partner is willing to listen to your relationship aspirations and attempt to meet those needs, you will be prepared. With that being said, be open to your partners needs as well. You may have not envisioned particular needs by your partner but may come to the conclusion that it's no big deal to meet their needs as well! And that my friends, is communication of needs and dedication to working together in a respectful partnership.

My dad may not believe that I listen to anything that he says but one thing stands out to me when discussing relationships. Early in my marriage I wanted things to be "50-50" to make sure that I wasn't being taken advantage of and that things were FAIR. What I failed to realize was that I was focusing not only on what I was giving to the relationship but what I was receiving. My dad said that a relationship will only work when each partner is putting in 100%. Logically this makes absolutely no sense right? Umm...Herlloooo...that makes 200%! Besides this tiny detail, we need to make sure we are giving 100% in our relationships as well as engaging in relationships with others that are willing to give 100%. And that 100% standard can only come when you set it.

Disconnect from the need to be heard and defined.

“Disconnect from the need to be heard and defined. Go out into the world, leave distractions behind.”

Post inspired by this video-
http://blog.petflow.com/a-video-everyone-needs-to-see/#eQbAvVllb2tTpbql.01

 I realize as I begin this post the hypocrisy of it all but the reality is that this message may not get to as many as I’d like without the use of social media and technology. Obviously this is not an original thought with being inspired by this video and we’ve heard many make an effort to highlight the fact that we lack actual physical interaction with the ease and comfort of typing our thoughts onto a screen rather than sharing them in person. Again, please know that I recognize the hypocrisy. This video has been circulating Facebook for quite some time and I always passed by it to get a quick glance of the next breaking news post someone posted underneath it. Turns out, it really gives a nice wake up call to how much time we spend on our screens rather than interacting.

 My post is not another groundbreaking wake up to get off social media but to rather look at how we feel based on using social media. I look at it as a drug or any other stimulant that anyone is very capable of getting addicted to but can also be ok in moderation. … not like heroin or meth. (“But my therapist said meth in moderation was ok!”) No. I’m talking about a parallel of a glass of wine in the evening. We feed into social media because it rewards us for positive things that we say. We instantly get affirmed with a “like” or a comment telling us exactly what we are hoping to hear. Just like any other addiction, I challenge you to evaluate what you are seeking when posting to social media and what might be missing in your daily life that you feel you like affirmation from the world. Let me again recognize that I am not on any pedestal and that this whole concept is a challenge for me as well.

 To make another comparison, health food vs. junk food. As much as I would like to say this is no challenge for me either, I’d be lying. I have experienced that eating correct portions of healthy foods rather than binging on double stuffed Oreos (sweet mother of pearl I just got a craving), makes me feel a thousand times better in the long run. Just as when I sit on social media and maybe get a “like” or two or three…or four…HOW MANY MORE CAN I GET! I instantly get gratified with the response and endorphins start firing and I’m rewarded and I want to do it again. Just like any other instant gratification…this fades and I’m waiting around for the next moment to get a hit. Just like drugs, just like double stuffed Oreos. I need to make the conscious decision to socialize, have coffee with a friend, listen to what is happening in someone elses' life, go for a run, take my dog for a walk, or play with my daughter. These activities, like eating my vitamins and protein or going to be sustainable and long lasting. Leaving me with a sense of fulfillment rather than waiting for my next hit of instant gratification.

 What if you don’t have a dog, or a child, or a partner or even friends? Put yourself in an opportunity to create those connections. I know this may be difficult but it’s worth the challenge. And if you are having trouble with that, I bet a therapist would be wiling to help you along the way ☺

The Circle of Life and everything in between

It's been a while so I may be a bit rusty. I need to get back into the swing of things so this post is a conglomerate of thoughts that I'm attempting to put into one theme but aren't all of my posts. 

Recently, phases has been a reoccurring thought. When looking at childhood you might hear parents say, "oh were in this phase or were in that phase." The terrible twos, the pre-teen years, the teen years!, the exploration finding yourself college years..." And then that's where it ends. We somehow make exceptions for rocky periods in our life but only until the age of 22. Past 22, good luck. If you're experiencing a rough patch then you must be terrible at life! Sarcasm.. Stay with me. What we as as adults must understand is that we will be entering a new phase every so often until the day that we die. That sounds super dramatic but it's the truth! 

Whether it be parenthood, marriage, change is career, relationships changes, family struggles or something that doesn't even fit into a category... We need to remember that this too is just a phase. Forgive yourself for not being perfect and remember that just like you got through learning how to not pee your pants.. You'll learn how to work out the current phase.

I can't take credit for a beautiful analogy that was made by Amy Batchman but she describe the similarities between birth and death. To enter the world... Your loved ones experiences contractions. Short painful periods that slowly build the closer a child gets to entering the world. During death we experiencing similar "contractions" of short painful periods that may not go away but will lessen in frequency over time. 

Life, beginning with birth and ending at death will always have phases. Allow yourself some grace in understanding that "this too shall pass."

Overall Picture

Aaaaand I'm back. I apologize for the brief recess in activity as I'm sure all of you couldn't go on functioning without waiting for my next monumental thought :) It has been a rough couple months for me with multiple changes and adjustments....new life...death...transitions and such. After taking a much needed mental health break from my own mental functioning, my brain was able to start ticking again with free thought.

So, where my mind lead me to today is the purpose of what I do and why I do it. With my husband coming from a retail position professionally, his goal is to have as many repeat customers as possible and for as long as possible. From a business standpoint I should have this same mentality as well. However, fundamentally and morally I don't think I have follow this concept in order to be doing my job effectively. We have heard the old adage, "If you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day, If you teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime." With this in mind, my personal and professional goal is not to help each client to work through each individual problem but rather to look at the bigger picture to identify the method in which the problem occurred.

I work with a volatile population that unfortunately lives in a constant state of chaos, unfortunately. We may think, oh that's just those people that can't figure out how to live their lives. False. Yes, individuals are definitely better off with larger support system, higher income, access to resources and so forth. If you are blessed enough to have these circumstances, congratulations, you have a greater chance at surviving chaos than others. However, do not put yourself on any pedestal because you still have work to do just like everyone else in this world. In order to "teach how to fish" one must look at the common denominator in continuing problems rather than varying factors.

For example, one might say to themselves, "EVERYONE is driving me insane! At work, people are constantly picking apart the work that I do, when I come home, my husband is just always getting on my nerves, my children cannot stop fighting with each other AND I am still not in the car that I told myself I would be driving at this age!"

There are several different factors in this that could be picked apart bit by bit. Exploration of work environment, marriage counseling and communication techniques, parenting skills, and personal expectations. Addressing each issue would be "giving a fish." What we need to do is address the underlying issue that may be affecting this individual's perception of chaos in each area of their life. A therapist can significantly help you with processing through your thoughts and emotions but if you give it a try you might be able to find your answer on your own. Think about the common denominator in all issues that may arise. Is this something that you can change about yourself that will effect all of these different areas? Are you not listening to something that your body is trying to tell you or are you not communicating a feeling that you didn't even know you had. Practice mindfulness and internally investigate. This will teach you how to fish rather than eating your TV dinner and calling it a day.

Music for Brain and Body

My go to resource is music. As as child I always hated Sunday afternoons because my parents refused to have anything other than classical music or Gregorian Monk chants piping through the house. This was supposed to help us wind down and focus for the week by completing all of our homework that we obviously didn't start until Sunday at 6pm. To this day, whenever I hear chanting or classical music I am instantly transported back to laying on my living room pale blue carpet in front of the fireplace trying to figure out my stupid algebra homework. As I'm sure I will say multiple times through this journey...son of a....they were right. It helped put my body at ease and helped me hone in on the present and what was in front of me.

To transport this concept to modern day relaxation I feel as though I have found a gold mine through Pandora. Enya ..ya know the amazingly proclaimed billionaire music genius... is my go to girl. The smooth tones and quiet meditation background provides a soothing environment for any feeling that is going on.

One of my greatest therapeutic moments so far is when a 17 year old female client told me she was watching one of her friends become angry at lunch and she said "you need some Enya in your life." I couldn't help from busting out laughing but SHE GOT IT! She will still say, "you're going to make me listen to Enya while were doing this huh?" and I will say.."Yep!"

It is like kryptonite. The moment I turn on Enya Pandora, I see their brains begin to work, or their posture begin to relax.

To tie a few concepts together, once we have realized what emotion we are feeling and recognize that we need to cope somehow to deal with that feeling, we need to resort to our toolbox to find what will work. To this day, whenever I feel my chest begin to tighten and my thoughts begin to race, I recognize I am experiencing anxiety. I go to my mental "toolbox" of coping skills, find Enya Pandora, lay flat on my back on the floor with palms facing upward, close my eyes and breath deeply. With each breath, focus on releasing the tension of one particular muscle until every part of your body is heavy to the ground. The sounds are not to be focused on but rather help remove the distraction of silence or external noise. Don't believe it will work? Give it a try and fill me in on how it went.

Coping

Coping is a beautiful thing. If you are anything like my teenage clients you might be saying, "what's... Cop (like a policeman) -ing". And then I saying "Co-ping" like collaborate. No, what am I saying, I don't say collaborate at all. Once we get past the pronunciation of coping, we dive into the wonderful world of making it through.

One major key point to recognize here, at least in my opinion, is that coping may get us through but we may not be out of the gate. Dependent on the situation, coping may be a means of maintaining functionality but we must be careful not to use it as denial. I've had plenty of teenagers tell me, "yeah I got so mad at my brother... He made me feel this (tiny space between fingers) big in front of my friends". I then say, "How did you respond to that?" (Assuming the goal is anger management). Enter client response, "I just played video games by myself for a couple of hours and then I was fine."

Fantastic, you didn't push your brother down the stairs and were able to control yourself. You coped by removing yourself from the situation and you made it through. But we are not done yet. We have merely pushed the feeling deep down to where it is unrecognized or due to being distracted by shooting zombies. In my book, coping gets you from A to B on an A to C journey. Once we have made it through to function appropriately in whatever setting we are in we need to face the emotion that we needed to distract ourselves from momentarily. In this case, our friend here felt maybe a little bit embarrassed, betrayed, and hurt my his brother. In order to face the root of the problem we need to communicate the issue at hand. Looks like its time for a little brotherly heart to heart. If this means mediation by mom or dad so be it. To take it a step further we need to communicate how we feel rather than pointing the action the other person took to give you that feeling response. Rather than "I can't believe you said all that stuff in front of my friends!" We need to share, "I felt embarrassed when I heard you say (specific statement) in front of my friends, and somewhat betrayed because you are my brother and I thought we were here to protect each other."

"You statements" cause defensiveness.
"I statements" communicate feelings.

But until you are calm enough, whether that be coming down from anger, anxiety, sadness, or fearfulness, cope in any healthy way you can. That doesn't mean go finish a 5th of vodka or sleep for 16 hours. Everything in moderation.

Just a hint, breathing works wonders ;)