Tonight the concept of childhood came up in session and reviewing how we feel about our childhood. This just so happens to be one of my favorite topics to discuss so I'm surprised I haven't spent more time on it. When I was in college, my dad got me a book called, "Actually it is your parents fault". It was one of the most validating experiences I've ever had. This however does not completely encompass what I believe has a healthy perspective on childhood. I believe that the view of your childhood should be a multi-faceted glowing crystal that encompasses many different perspectives...
Acknowledging your parents faults.
This is the fun one. This is where you get to be vindictive and shred your parents parenting style and wrong-doings and get to feel all warm and fuzzy inside because you don't have to take any ownership over your own behaviors. Yes you are allowed to do it, but only for a minute. Yeah, you may have adopted some really crappy habits that you watched your parents do. You may have zero self-esteem because you were never validated for your accomplishments. You may have even experienced some trauma from your parents and yes you get to be angry about that. In my opinion however, not forever. It's not going to do you any good nor fix anything that happened.
Understand their perspective.
We grow up with this notion that our parents are perfect and they know exactly what they are doing. False. They don't. And neither do you. Because we're human. We are in this fantastic cycle of learning from the generation before us and attempting to do better the next time around but we are more than likely going to screw some things up again. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY!! So give your parents a break. I'm not saying validate what they did but understand it. What was their parenting model? What were they taught? What was going on in their lives? Put yourself in their situation. Again. This does not validate but it helps us understand.
Find the Positives.
Granted part of my job is to find the positive in any situation but I can guarantee that you can find some positives from your childhood and your parents way of doing things. This will again not invalidate your experiences but rather shift your view on valuing your past rather than finding resentment. The energy that you will carry from this shift in perspective will hold enough value to want to do this with everything. Remember, your view of childhood is multi-faceted. I am not encouraging you to avoid or invalidate your experiences but allow them to co-exist with the positives as well.
Make your changes.
Now is the time where you have the opportunity to take everything that you have learned and shift your own behaviors and perspectives individually as well as parenting style if that applies. You get to acknowledge that you don't have a good self-esteem and begin rebuilding it for yourself. You get to acknowledge those bad habits and decide to do something else regardless of what was modeled for you. Your history does not define your future and taking ownership of that will be your life changing moment.
To put everything in context, this is an example of my own personal experience...
Dad, feel free to jump in if this is embarrassing but I think you'll appreciate my perspective. Growing up, my father was pretty demanding in terms of grades and accomplishments. From my experience I remember bringing home all A's and a B and hearing, "why isn't this one an A?" After conversations now, I understand that he was proud of my accomplishments and wanted me to continue pushing myself.
Step 1) - Acknowledge the faults
For a long time I held the perspective that he didn't think I was good enough and that I wasn't valued for my abilities. Did I enjoy this interactation? HELL NO! Did I feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Uh no! could have used a bit more positive reinforcement and praise.
Step 2) - Understand the perspective
I know that his father held the same standards and he was only continuing the cycle of behavior that was modeled for him. I know he was working a lot and was attempting to co-parent 4 children. (I have 2 kids...4 is a lot ...sheesh).
Step 3) - Find the positives
Sitting in that perspective will leave me with resentment and anger. But what came from all of this, is my ability to continually push myself to always try to be better. I feel as though I was successful academically due to him pushing me.
Step 4) - Making the changes
I found what works and I found what doesn't work. After evaluating my experience I want to praise my children for the positive while at the same time encouraging them and challenging them to keep trying to push themselves to be better.
Your childhood doesn't always have to be a closet full of skeletons. Sometimes it's worth unpacking and making peace with it ALL. The good, bad and the ugly.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
"Teach that kid the word NO!"
My husband and I often discuss how we respond to our 2 girls, mainly the 2 1/2 year old being that the other one just wants something to chew on (10 months). Throughout this debate to make sure we are on the same page, I've had to evaluate why I choose to do things the way I do with my kids. I don't like to say "no" to my kids. "Gasp! you're kid is going to turn into a brat!" False. And I'll tell you why...
I understand that kids need to understand they will not get everything they want and nor should they. My daughter will often ask me to do something and it's either not appropriate weather, timing is off, age appropriate ability, whatever the reasoning is...it just ain't gon' fly. Kids, little kids at least, don't have the ability to see past the next 5 seconds unless prompted to bring them out of their fixation with the current situation. They need to have some sort of control or empowerment over the situation to know that they have some freedom or choice. Again, this may sound like I let myself get run by a 2.5 year old, sometimes true (we all need work, don't judge). For example... This is how a "no" response may be communicated...
"Daddy/Mommy, I want to use the knife to cut my apple."
"No, you will cut yourself. Only Daddy or Mommy is allowed to use this knife."
The situation has been explained to the child and this response may or may not cause a negative response. They now potentially understand the situation and reasoning behind the "no" but this may not always compute and diffuse the disappointment of feeling inadequate. This may sound dramatic but I believe it's these small instances that build fundamental bones of childrens' psyche.
Option 2
"Daddy/Mommy I want to use the knife to cut my apple."
"You may use this knife when you get big like Mommy/Daddy. For now, you can pick up the cut pieces of apple and put them in your bowl!"
According to my research (pushes glasses up on nose..aka...my experiences with my 2.5 year old) the difference in response are completely black and white. With the first situation, she may say, "ooooook" with slumped posture and disappointment in not being able to help. With the second scenario, she now feels empowered and independent in the ability to be a part of the process. I still didn't give in to something that was unsafe but in the process, she gets excited to be able to do SOMETHING. This can literally be the most ridiculous task in the entire world but if he/she is capable of it, they will own it like nobody's business. The beauty of this, is in following days/weeks, she then reiterates to me her excitement of being able to use a knife when she gets bigger rather than ruminating over the idea of shame of not being able to do something because she is small or being fearful of something because she doesn't have the coordination to protect herself.
In a sense, these are primary skills in developing the concept of reframing. Reframing is looking at a situation either in a positive or negative light. In adults, it's looking at the glass half full or looking at the glass half empty. Through this process, we can teach our children to find the positive in disappointing situations rather than fixate on the "can't's" or disappointments.
Yes, my child will hear the word "No" from many that come into her life without any other option but hopefully over the years, she will be able to develop the skill to find other positive venues on her own.
I understand that kids need to understand they will not get everything they want and nor should they. My daughter will often ask me to do something and it's either not appropriate weather, timing is off, age appropriate ability, whatever the reasoning is...it just ain't gon' fly. Kids, little kids at least, don't have the ability to see past the next 5 seconds unless prompted to bring them out of their fixation with the current situation. They need to have some sort of control or empowerment over the situation to know that they have some freedom or choice. Again, this may sound like I let myself get run by a 2.5 year old, sometimes true (we all need work, don't judge). For example... This is how a "no" response may be communicated...
"Daddy/Mommy, I want to use the knife to cut my apple."
"No, you will cut yourself. Only Daddy or Mommy is allowed to use this knife."
The situation has been explained to the child and this response may or may not cause a negative response. They now potentially understand the situation and reasoning behind the "no" but this may not always compute and diffuse the disappointment of feeling inadequate. This may sound dramatic but I believe it's these small instances that build fundamental bones of childrens' psyche.
Option 2
"Daddy/Mommy I want to use the knife to cut my apple."
"You may use this knife when you get big like Mommy/Daddy. For now, you can pick up the cut pieces of apple and put them in your bowl!"
According to my research (pushes glasses up on nose..aka...my experiences with my 2.5 year old) the difference in response are completely black and white. With the first situation, she may say, "ooooook" with slumped posture and disappointment in not being able to help. With the second scenario, she now feels empowered and independent in the ability to be a part of the process. I still didn't give in to something that was unsafe but in the process, she gets excited to be able to do SOMETHING. This can literally be the most ridiculous task in the entire world but if he/she is capable of it, they will own it like nobody's business. The beauty of this, is in following days/weeks, she then reiterates to me her excitement of being able to use a knife when she gets bigger rather than ruminating over the idea of shame of not being able to do something because she is small or being fearful of something because she doesn't have the coordination to protect herself.
In a sense, these are primary skills in developing the concept of reframing. Reframing is looking at a situation either in a positive or negative light. In adults, it's looking at the glass half full or looking at the glass half empty. Through this process, we can teach our children to find the positive in disappointing situations rather than fixate on the "can't's" or disappointments.
Yes, my child will hear the word "No" from many that come into her life without any other option but hopefully over the years, she will be able to develop the skill to find other positive venues on her own.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
The Family Evolution
As many of my couples say to each other, "Why don't you just get it? Why do you make such a big deal out of nothing? How is this seriously an issue?" What I have found in my own marriage and throughout working with many couples is that the only way we can grow in a relationship, is accepting that whatever opinion or view someone has is not wrong or invalid, but 100% truth according to what they know. I already feel as though I'm not being clear. I will never understand my husband completely in terms of his moral background, comfortability, decision making, demeanor, parenting style...yada yada yada but what I can understand completely is that his opinion and understanding of the world is neither wrong nor invalid but may completely different from what I know. All that he can do as well is understand that my perspective is my truth as well.
So you may say, well then where do we go from here? We move towards attempting to understand and respecting their feelings based on trying to learn about where they are coming from. And no this cannot be one-sided. Both people need to work towards understanding each other's opinions. Now once you have figured out each other, guess what? You're not done.
You decide to take on raising a tiny bundle of joy that is now 1000% times more confusing because now you are both responsible for it, have the ideals of both extended families weighing in on how the child should be raised as well as you and your partner attempting to figure out how to do it together. Ohhhh $h*t. Don't back out yet, it's possible. Now that you've mastered attempting to understand your spouse, you can challenge your abilities to understand your in-laws. (Hi In-laws...yeah you're just waiting for me to talk smack huh?) Nope. Not gonna happen. My family and my in-laws are two very different groups of people and that is totally fine. And not even just fine....it's beautiful. My children now are going to have an immense spectrum of influence as to how to view the world and live in it. I'm guessing you may feel the same. And shoot, if not, then you may have an easier time than you think. I know that my in-laws do things that I have trouble understanding but that doesn't mean that they are wrong. Just as I hope that my husband sees that my family is only doing what they think is best as well.
Whatcha got? Oh you think your situation is different? Nope. I don't care if what they are doing is horrendous behavior. Is it appropriate? maybe not. Is it ethical? maybe not. Is it legal? MAYBE NOT! Is it excusable? Absolutely not. But can we attempt to learn about the motivation and seek to find understanding? YES. And this is how we don't lose our minds. I may be overly optimistic and maybe a bit of a hippie but I would like to think that people are inherently good and just got put in the wrong direction at some point in their life.
Talk it out, learn about people and you may actually find that you like more of your family and in-laws than you think.
....I'll be back again with more brain-bursting epiphanies. (sarcasm if you don't know me...this all may be bull$h*t)
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