My husband and I often discuss how we respond to our 2 girls, mainly the 2 1/2 year old being that the other one just wants something to chew on (10 months). Throughout this debate to make sure we are on the same page, I've had to evaluate why I choose to do things the way I do with my kids. I don't like to say "no" to my kids. "Gasp! you're kid is going to turn into a brat!" False. And I'll tell you why...
I understand that kids need to understand they will not get everything they want and nor should they. My daughter will often ask me to do something and it's either not appropriate weather, timing is off, age appropriate ability, whatever the reasoning is...it just ain't gon' fly. Kids, little kids at least, don't have the ability to see past the next 5 seconds unless prompted to bring them out of their fixation with the current situation. They need to have some sort of control or empowerment over the situation to know that they have some freedom or choice. Again, this may sound like I let myself get run by a 2.5 year old, sometimes true (we all need work, don't judge). For example... This is how a "no" response may be communicated...
"Daddy/Mommy, I want to use the knife to cut my apple."
"No, you will cut yourself. Only Daddy or Mommy is allowed to use this knife."
The situation has been explained to the child and this response may or may not cause a negative response. They now potentially understand the situation and reasoning behind the "no" but this may not always compute and diffuse the disappointment of feeling inadequate. This may sound dramatic but I believe it's these small instances that build fundamental bones of childrens' psyche.
Option 2
"Daddy/Mommy I want to use the knife to cut my apple."
"You may use this knife when you get big like Mommy/Daddy. For now, you can pick up the cut pieces of apple and put them in your bowl!"
According to my research (pushes glasses up on nose..aka...my experiences with my 2.5 year old) the difference in response are completely black and white. With the first situation, she may say, "ooooook" with slumped posture and disappointment in not being able to help. With the second scenario, she now feels empowered and independent in the ability to be a part of the process. I still didn't give in to something that was unsafe but in the process, she gets excited to be able to do SOMETHING. This can literally be the most ridiculous task in the entire world but if he/she is capable of it, they will own it like nobody's business. The beauty of this, is in following days/weeks, she then reiterates to me her excitement of being able to use a knife when she gets bigger rather than ruminating over the idea of shame of not being able to do something because she is small or being fearful of something because she doesn't have the coordination to protect herself.
In a sense, these are primary skills in developing the concept of reframing. Reframing is looking at a situation either in a positive or negative light. In adults, it's looking at the glass half full or looking at the glass half empty. Through this process, we can teach our children to find the positive in disappointing situations rather than fixate on the "can't's" or disappointments.
Yes, my child will hear the word "No" from many that come into her life without any other option but hopefully over the years, she will be able to develop the skill to find other positive venues on her own.
