Tonight the concept of childhood came up in session and reviewing how we feel about our childhood. This just so happens to be one of my favorite topics to discuss so I'm surprised I haven't spent more time on it. When I was in college, my dad got me a book called, "Actually it is your parents fault". It was one of the most validating experiences I've ever had. This however does not completely encompass what I believe has a healthy perspective on childhood. I believe that the view of your childhood should be a multi-faceted glowing crystal that encompasses many different perspectives...
Acknowledging your parents faults.
This is the fun one. This is where you get to be vindictive and shred your parents parenting style and wrong-doings and get to feel all warm and fuzzy inside because you don't have to take any ownership over your own behaviors. Yes you are allowed to do it, but only for a minute. Yeah, you may have adopted some really crappy habits that you watched your parents do. You may have zero self-esteem because you were never validated for your accomplishments. You may have even experienced some trauma from your parents and yes you get to be angry about that. In my opinion however, not forever. It's not going to do you any good nor fix anything that happened.
Understand their perspective.
We grow up with this notion that our parents are perfect and they know exactly what they are doing. False. They don't. And neither do you. Because we're human. We are in this fantastic cycle of learning from the generation before us and attempting to do better the next time around but we are more than likely going to screw some things up again. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY!! So give your parents a break. I'm not saying validate what they did but understand it. What was their parenting model? What were they taught? What was going on in their lives? Put yourself in their situation. Again. This does not validate but it helps us understand.
Find the Positives.
Granted part of my job is to find the positive in any situation but I can guarantee that you can find some positives from your childhood and your parents way of doing things. This will again not invalidate your experiences but rather shift your view on valuing your past rather than finding resentment. The energy that you will carry from this shift in perspective will hold enough value to want to do this with everything. Remember, your view of childhood is multi-faceted. I am not encouraging you to avoid or invalidate your experiences but allow them to co-exist with the positives as well.
Make your changes.
Now is the time where you have the opportunity to take everything that you have learned and shift your own behaviors and perspectives individually as well as parenting style if that applies. You get to acknowledge that you don't have a good self-esteem and begin rebuilding it for yourself. You get to acknowledge those bad habits and decide to do something else regardless of what was modeled for you. Your history does not define your future and taking ownership of that will be your life changing moment.
To put everything in context, this is an example of my own personal experience...
Dad, feel free to jump in if this is embarrassing but I think you'll appreciate my perspective. Growing up, my father was pretty demanding in terms of grades and accomplishments. From my experience I remember bringing home all A's and a B and hearing, "why isn't this one an A?" After conversations now, I understand that he was proud of my accomplishments and wanted me to continue pushing myself.
Step 1) - Acknowledge the faults
For a long time I held the perspective that he didn't think I was good enough and that I wasn't valued for my abilities. Did I enjoy this interactation? HELL NO! Did I feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Uh no! could have used a bit more positive reinforcement and praise.
Step 2) - Understand the perspective
I know that his father held the same standards and he was only continuing the cycle of behavior that was modeled for him. I know he was working a lot and was attempting to co-parent 4 children. (I have 2 kids...4 is a lot ...sheesh).
Step 3) - Find the positives
Sitting in that perspective will leave me with resentment and anger. But what came from all of this, is my ability to continually push myself to always try to be better. I feel as though I was successful academically due to him pushing me.
Step 4) - Making the changes
I found what works and I found what doesn't work. After evaluating my experience I want to praise my children for the positive while at the same time encouraging them and challenging them to keep trying to push themselves to be better.
Your childhood doesn't always have to be a closet full of skeletons. Sometimes it's worth unpacking and making peace with it ALL. The good, bad and the ugly.
