Relationship Self-Esteem

I got to thinking the other day about how my husband and I have been together for 7 1/2 years. I know this is no feat deserving of any medals or accolades but still worth a thought of "how did we make it this far without killing each other?" I have a strong personality and my husband as well so when we've got something to say, we usually don't hold back (which can be wildly entertaining for some).

Through all of that I try to pick apart and analyze how we do make it because aside from the nastiness we throw at each other sometimes, we can find our way back to happy love (far different from angry love or sad love). 

I made an earlier post about positive self talk and training your brain to believe that you are worth everything and regardless of what you hear or go through, you can come out on the other end feeling great about yourself. I've said that if my positive self-talk was ever outwardly verbalized I'd sound like the cockiest person alive (but that's the whole point of SELF-talk not real talk).

Anyway, my point in revisiting all of this is that you can also apply those same strategies to your relationship. Nick and I probably sound like the cockiest couple if you heard our conversations. We are constantly acknowledging our ability to talk through problems and vocalize what is on our minds. We pride ourselves on building a friendship inside of our relationship. Anyone out there thinking...well that's just damn fantastic Kate but we're not able to do that in our relationship. Super! Ok not super but that's ok because just like self-talk when building your self-esteem you have to start somewhere. 

When Nick and I started dating we established what we wanted our relationship to look like. We didn't want to build resentment, we wanted to be able to tell each other everything free of judgement, we wanted to be able to compromise knowing we were going to disagree. These desires can be established at any point in a relationship. Set a new creed for your relationship! Give it a rebirth! Then something beautiful happens... A self fulfilling prophecy.

There's a promise and an investment in this new creed if you both agree on it. A few months ago I vocalized something that was bothering me that I wasn't feeling supported on. I was met with defensiveness (strong personality :D always fun) but I was able to remind him that this is not how we decided we were going to handle things. I was supposed to be able to voice my concerns and not be met with judgement but rather move towards resolution. (Trick to this is being able to swallow the defensiveness when you're being confronted as well.) With that reminder we were able to get back to what our words reminded us of what we are as a couple and the only way we could have done that is with the ridiculous cocky conversations that happen behind close doors. We don't know what the future holds but if I'm hoping if we focus on the "now", we can get to the future.

There are plenty of other communication techniques that can be worked on and applied but first let's build up the relationship self-esteem even if building on the small things.

So go ahead and fist bump your partner with a reminder that "we got this."

Therapy "Graduation"

This term was coined by one of my teen clients years ago and it made me chuckle a bit. I never viewed therapy as a program or something to "graduate" from but of course in our capitalist world of competition and achievement, it only makes sense.

Ironically, I don't agree with it. Yes, you can get to a point of feeling good and not feeling to need to process whatever is going on in your world but I don't feel that we ever "graduate" from our life problems. It is one of my favorite moments in the therapy process when a client comes in after 3 or 4 weeks and says, "well, I was sad for a day like 2 weeks ago, and then last week I got a little irritated at a co-worker so I guess I still have some work to do."

Que me, "So, you're telling me that in a 4 week span, you got "sad" for 1 day and then got "a little irritated" 2 weeks later?"

Client looking at me quizzically.

Me: "Sooooo, YOU'RE HUMAN!"

It's so interesting to me to see the night and day transformation from the beginning of therapy towards the end. All of a sudden the standards that are established are perfection. It is so important to keep balance in life. Yes, we need to be aware of what we can improve on and be aware of how we are functioning day to day but we also need to remember that if we aren't perfect in our emotional regulation everyday then we are not failures. WE ARE HUMAN. I emphasize WE because even though I preach, doesn't mean I'm perfect at it either, just ask my mother or my father or my siblings...or my friends...or my husband...oh boy the list keeps going. WAIT! I'm human! As long as we are monitoring how to resolve those moments of emotional dysfunction then we need to forgive ourselves. I'm not saying to cuss somebody out and then say, "my therapist says I'm not perfect and I need to forgive myself so whatever." No, recognize it and resolve it. But don't beat yourself up in the meantime.

We will be forever working on ourselves and that's just as healthy as any "graduation".

The Road to Self Actualization

I was inspired this evening by one of my client's which funny enough she stated, "This can be your next blog!". Congratulations! you've been my inspiration :D

I'm not sure if you know this about me, but one of the largest influences of my life and probably a majority of the reason I became a therapist is because I had an amazing therapeutic experience myself, sitting on the couch rather than across from it.

I remember walking down 17th Ave. on Ohio State's Campus heading to my next class just smiling. I couldn't contain my joy and wanted to call someone. I remember going through my phone trying to get someone to answer. Finally someone answered, my dad, and I said, "Hi!" ...he said "hello"....pause pause...waiting for the purpose of my call. I followed it up by, "How are you?" ...followed by ..."good"...pause pause...waiting for the purpose of my call. And then it dawned on me, that I had finally gotten to a point in my life that I was content enough to get out of my own head and see how someone else was doing. Obviously this was not a typical action on my part considering the confusion of the simple question "how are you?" and there being no other purpose to the call. I don't even know if he remembers this call but it was a very impacting moment for me.

This post may not seem to have much content but it's actually very important. We are covered in layers upon layers of "things" and "plans" and general dysfunction that we can't even see the things that are around us.

I know that every single time I left therapy, I felt a weight lifted and saw things a bit clearer. Seriously, just like the Claritin commercial. Tonight my client had one of those moments and it was beautiful. She was able to see something or be aware of something that she didn't even think was important in the beginning. Just like when you watch a movie or read a book for the 2nd or 3rd time, you notice something different, there are so many things going on in your life that you may not see right now but they're still there.

Do yourself a favor, attempt to clear whatever dysfunction or clouding layers that you may have in your life so that you can see what's around you and maybe even see if somebody else needs some help.

:)

Positive Self-Talk

So my last post was about creating the inner voice of your children by changing the way you speak to them. This post is about correcting that inner voice if you were never given the luxury of having a positive voice in the first place. As usual, inspired by this video...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRlpIkH3b5I&feature=youtu.be

A typical running theme throughout many of my sessions tends to be self-esteem and difficulty due to having a negative self-concept. Once this has been established as goal, I usually ask what the inner voice says on a day to day basis. I ask, "What do you say to yourself when you look in the mirror?" This is usually followed by, "ugh, I'm so fat. My nose is huge. I have a bulging stomach...yada yada yada."

Can you imagine if people that you saw on a daily basis, said these words to you?! You would be devastated. And yet, when we allow negative self-talk to happen, we are allowing the words to still enter our brain. Usually the next step is to give the assignment to become aware of what type of self-talk each of my clients uses on a daily basis and recognizing how frequently they are putting themselves down. It's ASTONISHING how nasty we can be to ourselves when we start paying attention. This doesn't even have to end with physical characteristics. This can be applied to any ability. The possibilities are endless to make yourself feel horrible! Fantastic right? No. Horrifying. But the good news is, that since we have all of these opportunities to demolish our self-esteem, that means we have an equal opportunity to boost our self-esteem and create an incredible level of confidence.

Next step is usually followed by my saying, "Do you have any idea how often I build myself up throughout the day?" Because it's quite ridiculous. Every time I walk by a mirror I say, "Damn you look good. You just had a baby! I am ridiculously good looking. I can't even help how good looking I am." This sounds so ridiculous right? And how conceded can I possibly be? This is a pep talk. I have realistic views of myself and know that I am not a super model (nor do I want to be) but why shouldn't I be able to say these things to myself! I deserve to hear them and who knows what the day will bring. If someone decides to give me a compliment that day, super; I get a double dose. If someone decides to ATTEMPT to make me feel bad about myself, I've already counter - balanced it with my positive self-talk! Mind you, I said ATTEMPT, because no one has the ability to make me feel bad about myself unless I allow them.

Think I'm insane? Try forcing yourself to say something positive about yourself every time you look in a mirror. Or tell yourself that you are doing an amazing job at work, or being a fantastic parent, or working as hard as you can. It may seem awkward at first but I PROMISE you it will pay off.

Until next time, I'm going to go stare at my beautiful self in the mirror.

"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice" -Peggy O'Mara

If you've read my other entries, you know that I am frequently inspired by movies. I'm sure I'm not alone but going to the theater or even watching movies at home, leaves me feeling motivated and energized to either recreate similar feelings I experienced while watching the movie or attempt to inspire someone else. In this case, a two-fold :) This week's inspiration comes from "The Help". I was overcome with emotion at the love that Aibileen, played by Viola Davis, had for the small girl that she looked after. She repeatedly spoke the words, "You is smart,  you is kind, you is important." You can see this small child crystalize these words in her brain and she is asked to repeat them back to Aibileen. Even though this child may be an actor, I'm positive those words had an impact on her.

Obviously this movie was way more complex than this one line, but my most recent time watching it, this line stuck out. Following watching the movie, I needed to go give my daughter her last bottle for the night. This includes pulling her out of the crib mid-sleep (I know you think I'm crazy) and popping the bottle in her mouth. It is my favorite time of the day/night that I spend with her. She is confused and takes a minute to get oriented but then realizes that she is in my arms and smiles with sleepy eyes. We slowly go to sit in the big comfy recliner rocking chair and she lays drinking her bottle. Those moments following is where my heart melts. She slowly pushes the bottle away and purses her lips with contentment as she is warm, full, and snuggling. Tonight as she was looking up at me, I decided to whisper, "You are smart, you are kind, you are important." As I finished these words, she slowly batted her eyes again at me and smiled.

I will continue to make this part of my evening routine if not include it multiple times throughout the day. I hope with every part of my being, that these words become a staple in my little girl's brain. I know that the words that she hears out of my mouth will become her inner voice and it is my job to make it a positive one.

I don't care if your child is 45, 4.5, or 4.5 months in utero. It is never too late or too early to begin developing your child's inner voice. I guarantee they need to hear it.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

I finally got to sit down and watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower, written and directed by Stephen Chbosky. I knew I was going to be intrigued by the movie just from the trailer and highlight of the quote "we accept the love we think we deserve." I had NO idea how much depth this movie would have and how emotionally invested I would become. Honestly I don't know why I'm surprised by this. I was an emotional person prior to having a child and now almost anything can make me sob like a blabbering baboon. Unstable? no...I know when I can release and when to keep it together. Anyway..NOT ABOUT ME.

This beautiful beautiful quote means so much to me and I believe it is the core of so many of the presenting issues that I discuss on a daily basis while in session. 

"How do I FIND these people to get into a relationship with?"

"Why is my friend such a jerk to me?"

"My boss just feels like she can bulldoze me on a daily basis!"

Ok, I will start with that not all of these presenting issues are solved by one simple quote but it's a good starting point. Just like any other subject and therapy sessions, a thousand different elements come into play.

It is so crucially important to define for yourself what you believe you deserve. Define what you require in people in your lives. I have a past post about expectations which may appear to contradict this concept but everything in balance. I encourage every single client of mine to create a list of the "must-haves" for personal relationships. I think what is missing is what you will not stand for. Many girls for instance, have on their list, must be nice, have a job, want a family... yadda yadda yadda. The particulars are what is missing I believe. I want you to be specific about what you deserve...

For example:

My mate will respect my professional decisions and career aspirations
My mate will not attempt to manipulate my feelings

My mate will communicate with me regarding concerns about our relationship

Initially, your partner may not have all of these on the list. No I'm not saying CHANGE your partner but know what you are looking for so that if by chance your partner is willing to listen to your relationship aspirations and attempt to meet those needs, you will be prepared. With that being said, be open to your partners needs as well. You may have not envisioned particular needs by your partner but may come to the conclusion that it's no big deal to meet their needs as well! And that my friends, is communication of needs and dedication to working together in a respectful partnership.

My dad may not believe that I listen to anything that he says but one thing stands out to me when discussing relationships. Early in my marriage I wanted things to be "50-50" to make sure that I wasn't being taken advantage of and that things were FAIR. What I failed to realize was that I was focusing not only on what I was giving to the relationship but what I was receiving. My dad said that a relationship will only work when each partner is putting in 100%. Logically this makes absolutely no sense right? Umm...Herlloooo...that makes 200%! Besides this tiny detail, we need to make sure we are giving 100% in our relationships as well as engaging in relationships with others that are willing to give 100%. And that 100% standard can only come when you set it.

Disconnect from the need to be heard and defined.

“Disconnect from the need to be heard and defined. Go out into the world, leave distractions behind.”

Post inspired by this video-
http://blog.petflow.com/a-video-everyone-needs-to-see/#eQbAvVllb2tTpbql.01

 I realize as I begin this post the hypocrisy of it all but the reality is that this message may not get to as many as I’d like without the use of social media and technology. Obviously this is not an original thought with being inspired by this video and we’ve heard many make an effort to highlight the fact that we lack actual physical interaction with the ease and comfort of typing our thoughts onto a screen rather than sharing them in person. Again, please know that I recognize the hypocrisy. This video has been circulating Facebook for quite some time and I always passed by it to get a quick glance of the next breaking news post someone posted underneath it. Turns out, it really gives a nice wake up call to how much time we spend on our screens rather than interacting.

 My post is not another groundbreaking wake up to get off social media but to rather look at how we feel based on using social media. I look at it as a drug or any other stimulant that anyone is very capable of getting addicted to but can also be ok in moderation. … not like heroin or meth. (“But my therapist said meth in moderation was ok!”) No. I’m talking about a parallel of a glass of wine in the evening. We feed into social media because it rewards us for positive things that we say. We instantly get affirmed with a “like” or a comment telling us exactly what we are hoping to hear. Just like any other addiction, I challenge you to evaluate what you are seeking when posting to social media and what might be missing in your daily life that you feel you like affirmation from the world. Let me again recognize that I am not on any pedestal and that this whole concept is a challenge for me as well.

 To make another comparison, health food vs. junk food. As much as I would like to say this is no challenge for me either, I’d be lying. I have experienced that eating correct portions of healthy foods rather than binging on double stuffed Oreos (sweet mother of pearl I just got a craving), makes me feel a thousand times better in the long run. Just as when I sit on social media and maybe get a “like” or two or three…or four…HOW MANY MORE CAN I GET! I instantly get gratified with the response and endorphins start firing and I’m rewarded and I want to do it again. Just like any other instant gratification…this fades and I’m waiting around for the next moment to get a hit. Just like drugs, just like double stuffed Oreos. I need to make the conscious decision to socialize, have coffee with a friend, listen to what is happening in someone elses' life, go for a run, take my dog for a walk, or play with my daughter. These activities, like eating my vitamins and protein or going to be sustainable and long lasting. Leaving me with a sense of fulfillment rather than waiting for my next hit of instant gratification.

 What if you don’t have a dog, or a child, or a partner or even friends? Put yourself in an opportunity to create those connections. I know this may be difficult but it’s worth the challenge. And if you are having trouble with that, I bet a therapist would be wiling to help you along the way ☺

The Circle of Life and everything in between

It's been a while so I may be a bit rusty. I need to get back into the swing of things so this post is a conglomerate of thoughts that I'm attempting to put into one theme but aren't all of my posts. 

Recently, phases has been a reoccurring thought. When looking at childhood you might hear parents say, "oh were in this phase or were in that phase." The terrible twos, the pre-teen years, the teen years!, the exploration finding yourself college years..." And then that's where it ends. We somehow make exceptions for rocky periods in our life but only until the age of 22. Past 22, good luck. If you're experiencing a rough patch then you must be terrible at life! Sarcasm.. Stay with me. What we as as adults must understand is that we will be entering a new phase every so often until the day that we die. That sounds super dramatic but it's the truth! 

Whether it be parenthood, marriage, change is career, relationships changes, family struggles or something that doesn't even fit into a category... We need to remember that this too is just a phase. Forgive yourself for not being perfect and remember that just like you got through learning how to not pee your pants.. You'll learn how to work out the current phase.

I can't take credit for a beautiful analogy that was made by Amy Batchman but she describe the similarities between birth and death. To enter the world... Your loved ones experiences contractions. Short painful periods that slowly build the closer a child gets to entering the world. During death we experiencing similar "contractions" of short painful periods that may not go away but will lessen in frequency over time. 

Life, beginning with birth and ending at death will always have phases. Allow yourself some grace in understanding that "this too shall pass."