Coping is a beautiful thing. If you are anything like my teenage clients you might be saying, "what's... Cop (like a policeman) -ing". And then I saying "Co-ping" like collaborate. No, what am I saying, I don't say collaborate at all. Once we get past the pronunciation of coping, we dive into the wonderful world of making it through.
One major key point to recognize here, at least in my opinion, is that coping may get us through but we may not be out of the gate. Dependent on the situation, coping may be a means of maintaining functionality but we must be careful not to use it as denial. I've had plenty of teenagers tell me, "yeah I got so mad at my brother... He made me feel this (tiny space between fingers) big in front of my friends". I then say, "How did you respond to that?" (Assuming the goal is anger management). Enter client response, "I just played video games by myself for a couple of hours and then I was fine."
Fantastic, you didn't push your brother down the stairs and were able to control yourself. You coped by removing yourself from the situation and you made it through. But we are not done yet. We have merely pushed the feeling deep down to where it is unrecognized or due to being distracted by shooting zombies. In my book, coping gets you from A to B on an A to C journey. Once we have made it through to function appropriately in whatever setting we are in we need to face the emotion that we needed to distract ourselves from momentarily. In this case, our friend here felt maybe a little bit embarrassed, betrayed, and hurt my his brother. In order to face the root of the problem we need to communicate the issue at hand. Looks like its time for a little brotherly heart to heart. If this means mediation by mom or dad so be it. To take it a step further we need to communicate how we feel rather than pointing the action the other person took to give you that feeling response. Rather than "I can't believe you said all that stuff in front of my friends!" We need to share, "I felt embarrassed when I heard you say (specific statement) in front of my friends, and somewhat betrayed because you are my brother and I thought we were here to protect each other."
"You statements" cause defensiveness.
"I statements" communicate feelings.
But until you are calm enough, whether that be coming down from anger, anxiety, sadness, or fearfulness, cope in any healthy way you can. That doesn't mean go finish a 5th of vodka or sleep for 16 hours. Everything in moderation.
Just a hint, breathing works wonders ;)
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Expectations
To start off, I hope you recognize there is no rhyme or reason to my postings nor is there a schedule. I wait until something strikes me as important to share. I'm passionate about therapy (hopefully right?) and only want to share my thoughts if they are meaningful.
The theme of my sessions and personal life this week has been expectations. Perspective can instantly change how you feel about about a situation or person. It is absolutely incredible how much power each person has if they could recognize how they view the world can change their life. To give a personal example, today is Valentine's Day: a day filled with flowers, chocolates, poems and love letters. We only think of it this way because that is how our society has labeled it and what we have come to expect. Now, brace yourselves because this could be interpreted as incredibly negative but hear me out. What would the world look like if we changed our expectations? What if we didn't expect roses and chocolates or poems or love letters? What if instead we created our own version of excitement? My husband and I decided to get hot wings for dinner on our first Valentine's Day together. I couldn't tell you the explanation for it but for whatever reason, we decided to boycott the flamboyant romantic evening of candles and rose petals and GOT WINGS! Yeeeah! We recreated the expectation for the holiday and created our own perspective of how to celebrate our relationship. Today we "got wings" for the 5th year in a row and plan to get wings for every Valentine's Day for the rest of our lives. Some of you (ahem, my father) might be saying, "Well now you have just changed your expectation to something different and you're going to be disappointed if you don't go next year!" True statement, however, in my opinion, there is a difference between planned tradition and unrealistic expectation.
Traditions are an important part to stability and structure. These I would consider to be realistic expectations due to all parties involved having the same understanding of said events. Unrealistic expectations become problematic when we set standards for others that they may not be able to carry out. Again, GRAYSCALE, there is never a right or wrong answer because then you could argue that you are lowering the bar or not believing in others to succeed to whatever standard is set! Have I lost you yet? Meditations of a therapist, I could go on forever...
To make myself clear, we have to observe our thoughts to recognize what expectations we set for others and recognize if these standards are merely setting ourselves up for disappointment or do we need to change our perspective.
Example:
Expectation - "My boyfriend is going to get me a bouquet of Lilies (because he knows me so well...duh!) and then probably take me out to a super nice dinner."
Result -"My boyfriend got me roses for Valentine's day...He knows my favorite flower is a Lily! Ugh, so disappointing"
Altered Expectation - "It would be really sweet if my boyfriend got me something but I know he's been working all day.. I wonder what I could get HIM for Valentine's Day" (Focus only on what you can control - See Post 1)
Altered Result - "Oh my gosh! I can't believe he took time to get me flowers even though he was so busy! I hope he enjoys what I got him!"
When we change our expectations and alter our perspective on situations, our entire feeling world can change and we can come to appreciate what we receive, or Hell, even feel better about giving to others rather than focusing on receiving.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone...
Expect Nothing...Be Grateful for Everything and in the mean time.. All we can do is keep breathing...
The theme of my sessions and personal life this week has been expectations. Perspective can instantly change how you feel about about a situation or person. It is absolutely incredible how much power each person has if they could recognize how they view the world can change their life. To give a personal example, today is Valentine's Day: a day filled with flowers, chocolates, poems and love letters. We only think of it this way because that is how our society has labeled it and what we have come to expect. Now, brace yourselves because this could be interpreted as incredibly negative but hear me out. What would the world look like if we changed our expectations? What if we didn't expect roses and chocolates or poems or love letters? What if instead we created our own version of excitement? My husband and I decided to get hot wings for dinner on our first Valentine's Day together. I couldn't tell you the explanation for it but for whatever reason, we decided to boycott the flamboyant romantic evening of candles and rose petals and GOT WINGS! Yeeeah! We recreated the expectation for the holiday and created our own perspective of how to celebrate our relationship. Today we "got wings" for the 5th year in a row and plan to get wings for every Valentine's Day for the rest of our lives. Some of you (ahem, my father) might be saying, "Well now you have just changed your expectation to something different and you're going to be disappointed if you don't go next year!" True statement, however, in my opinion, there is a difference between planned tradition and unrealistic expectation.
Traditions are an important part to stability and structure. These I would consider to be realistic expectations due to all parties involved having the same understanding of said events. Unrealistic expectations become problematic when we set standards for others that they may not be able to carry out. Again, GRAYSCALE, there is never a right or wrong answer because then you could argue that you are lowering the bar or not believing in others to succeed to whatever standard is set! Have I lost you yet? Meditations of a therapist, I could go on forever...
To make myself clear, we have to observe our thoughts to recognize what expectations we set for others and recognize if these standards are merely setting ourselves up for disappointment or do we need to change our perspective.
Example:
Expectation - "My boyfriend is going to get me a bouquet of Lilies (because he knows me so well...duh!) and then probably take me out to a super nice dinner."
Result -"My boyfriend got me roses for Valentine's day...He knows my favorite flower is a Lily! Ugh, so disappointing"
Altered Expectation - "It would be really sweet if my boyfriend got me something but I know he's been working all day.. I wonder what I could get HIM for Valentine's Day" (Focus only on what you can control - See Post 1)
Altered Result - "Oh my gosh! I can't believe he took time to get me flowers even though he was so busy! I hope he enjoys what I got him!"
When we change our expectations and alter our perspective on situations, our entire feeling world can change and we can come to appreciate what we receive, or Hell, even feel better about giving to others rather than focusing on receiving.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone...
Expect Nothing...Be Grateful for Everything and in the mean time.. All we can do is keep breathing...
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Past, Present & Future
"If you're depressed, you're living in the past. If you're anxious,
you're living in the future. If you're at peace, you're living in the
present."
-Lao Tzu
In therapy terms, this is what we can Mindfulness. To piggy back of my last post, there is black and white along with gray-scale in terms of interpretation. I cannot give you your interpretation but can only describe mine. I find great comfort in this quote because it gives me direction. Just like the rest of you, I'm looking for someone to give me the answer so I don't have to do the work myself :) Anytime I feel that something is just... not quite right...I have to sit in it and think, "What am I experiencing? Am I feeling right in this moment in my body? My stomach feels in knots, my chest is tight, I'm having trouble catching a deep breathe and I'm feeling a bit nauseous." ...Yep. I'm experiencing anxiety. OR..."I feel sluggish, I'm on the brink of tears, I don't want to be around anyone and I feel like sleeping." ...Yep. I'm feeling deep sadness. Once we have reached the state of being completely aware of what is going on internally we can decide if we are living in the present, past, or future. If we are feeling the emotion based on a current event, what can we do about it? Is there any action that could be taken such as communicating your feelings to another person or starting to take action on a project? If what we are feeling is based on a past event, have we processed the event to accept the past or do we feel there is unfinished business? If there is no option to take action, we need to accept the past to move on to feel in the present but if there is the option to take action...TAKE IT! Say what you need to say, do what you need to do. Lastly, if what we are feeling is based in the future, we have to accept that we can only control ourselves in our present being. Coming from a person that wants to determine every moment of life for the next 10 years, this is a struggle. But we have to accept that the feeling is based on a desire to create a future outcome that we have no control over.
We need to accept that we only have control over our own emotions in the exact moment that we are feeling them. How do you deal with these emotions once you've become aware? ...Stay tuned. :D
-Lao Tzu
In therapy terms, this is what we can Mindfulness. To piggy back of my last post, there is black and white along with gray-scale in terms of interpretation. I cannot give you your interpretation but can only describe mine. I find great comfort in this quote because it gives me direction. Just like the rest of you, I'm looking for someone to give me the answer so I don't have to do the work myself :) Anytime I feel that something is just... not quite right...I have to sit in it and think, "What am I experiencing? Am I feeling right in this moment in my body? My stomach feels in knots, my chest is tight, I'm having trouble catching a deep breathe and I'm feeling a bit nauseous." ...Yep. I'm experiencing anxiety. OR..."I feel sluggish, I'm on the brink of tears, I don't want to be around anyone and I feel like sleeping." ...Yep. I'm feeling deep sadness. Once we have reached the state of being completely aware of what is going on internally we can decide if we are living in the present, past, or future. If we are feeling the emotion based on a current event, what can we do about it? Is there any action that could be taken such as communicating your feelings to another person or starting to take action on a project? If what we are feeling is based on a past event, have we processed the event to accept the past or do we feel there is unfinished business? If there is no option to take action, we need to accept the past to move on to feel in the present but if there is the option to take action...TAKE IT! Say what you need to say, do what you need to do. Lastly, if what we are feeling is based in the future, we have to accept that we can only control ourselves in our present being. Coming from a person that wants to determine every moment of life for the next 10 years, this is a struggle. But we have to accept that the feeling is based on a desire to create a future outcome that we have no control over.
We need to accept that we only have control over our own emotions in the exact moment that we are feeling them. How do you deal with these emotions once you've become aware? ...Stay tuned. :D
Friday, February 8, 2013
Black & White
Welcome to fantastically psychotic emotionally crazy mind twisting world of therapy. Throughout my first year of mental health counseling I have found that I do more work on my own brain than 99% of my clientele. My dad continually encourages me to document a memoir of my personal development as a therapist and turn it into this amazing New York Times Best Seller book. Unfortunately I get so caught up in each stage that I can't remember where I've come from up to this point. So, to assist in documenting each step I figure I should start now. Who knows, maybe at the end of this all I'll have to do is print off each post and slap 'em together.. DONEZO!
Life Lesson #1
The world is Black and White and also Grayscale. A.K.A., there is no answer. Ever. Congratulations, I just saved you a million dollars. I work with teenagers ranging in age from 13-18. Every single one of them asks.."What should I do?" Best part about my job...I get to say "I don't know." My job is not to give you the answer but help you find it within yourself. It's there! It's just covered up with layers of fear, confusion, judgement of others, judgement of self or just lack of confidence. Not only is the answer there, but it's different from anyone else's answer. Hence, the grayscale. Hence why I don't have the answer. Whatever answer I give you or anyone else gives you (therapist or not) it's not YOUR answer. So, you can either go to a therapist and have them assist you in stripping through all the crap and finding the golden ticket or you can sit and meditate and say....Yeah! What was I thinking! I know EXACTLY what I want/need to do. It's all a matter of stripping away the fear or judgement or finding that level of confidence in yourself that you actually know yourself better than anyone else. You might say, well I'm confused and I can't find it and I'm just getting frustrated! To quote my mother "Sit in it for a minute and really soak in how you're feeling." You have to dig through the all the crap to get to the bottom. Sometimes that dive is uncomfortable and scary and you get FRUSTRATED! But, you have to keep pushing through. And to quote my father, "It's character building." Damn, he was right. Because on the other side, you'll be stronger.
All we can do is keep breathing ... and in the mean time...work on finding your own answer.
Life Lesson #1
The world is Black and White and also Grayscale. A.K.A., there is no answer. Ever. Congratulations, I just saved you a million dollars. I work with teenagers ranging in age from 13-18. Every single one of them asks.."What should I do?" Best part about my job...I get to say "I don't know." My job is not to give you the answer but help you find it within yourself. It's there! It's just covered up with layers of fear, confusion, judgement of others, judgement of self or just lack of confidence. Not only is the answer there, but it's different from anyone else's answer. Hence, the grayscale. Hence why I don't have the answer. Whatever answer I give you or anyone else gives you (therapist or not) it's not YOUR answer. So, you can either go to a therapist and have them assist you in stripping through all the crap and finding the golden ticket or you can sit and meditate and say....Yeah! What was I thinking! I know EXACTLY what I want/need to do. It's all a matter of stripping away the fear or judgement or finding that level of confidence in yourself that you actually know yourself better than anyone else. You might say, well I'm confused and I can't find it and I'm just getting frustrated! To quote my mother "Sit in it for a minute and really soak in how you're feeling." You have to dig through the all the crap to get to the bottom. Sometimes that dive is uncomfortable and scary and you get FRUSTRATED! But, you have to keep pushing through. And to quote my father, "It's character building." Damn, he was right. Because on the other side, you'll be stronger.
All we can do is keep breathing ... and in the mean time...work on finding your own answer.
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