Creative Parenting

For some reason, as I was driving home from work last night I had a vivid memory of my childhood. One thing that my parents were very good about was having us all sit down together for dinner. Sometimes this turned into great conversation later in life but early on was pretty much a $h*t show. I was probably in the 2nd or 3rd grade and between 2 out of the 4 of us children, someone started name calling. This could be a fabricated image but I can see both of my parents tiredly spooning dinner and staring blankly out the window. After a few rounds of irritable behavior between my siblings and I, one of my parents, said, "If you're going to insult each other, at least be creative about it." Again, could be a complete fabrication, but I feel as though my brothers and sisters looked at each other confused thinking..."Is this a trick?"

Soon enough, after a few rounds of ridiculous "donkey food" "pig droppings" & "booger face" we were all laughing in hysterics. What could have turned into a screaming match, followed by upset children not eating their dinner, turned into joy and togetherness. I don't remember what was for dinner that night but I can bet that we happily ate our food for the remainder of dinner.

For all of my puzzled siblings, I don't discount that tired screaming matches happened on other night, my parents were human just like everyone else. But for a brief moment, let's give them some credit.

This whole memory got me thinking about a concept I learned in my first job at Directions for Youth and Families working with families in a social work style environment.

Misbehavior = Needs not being met

The memory I described earlier could have been a fluke but I'd like to think there was something behind it. Could it have been that whichever one of my siblings was angry that night (could have been me) forgot how to laugh with my brothers and sister and forgot that these people are my best friends. That need of inclusion may have not been met. Through this creative parenting, the needs of my siblings and I were met by feeling inclusion with each other.

It's easier to recognize this concept in infancy. The babies crying = might be hungry, might be tired, might need attention, something might hurt. Granted, I know there are outliers of cranky babies but you get my point. We tend to forget this later in life. When the 4 year old is hitting, he might be missing his need of learning how to communicate or the need of feeling special. When the 10 year old didn't do her homework, maybe she's missing the need of understanding the information or feeling empowered or confident to complete the homework assignment. Discipline means to teach rather than punish. Challenge yourself to find the missing need and meet that need rather than punish the symptom or the misbehavior.